Hello, hello. It's high time to dust off this old blog. A lot has happened since September 2011. After many years in Norwalk, we said adios and pushed off even further into the suburbs. We were not missed. As for us, it's been less traffic and more chain restaurants. Win-win in my book. But overall, nothing much has changed: I'm still wildly jealous of all the SSCCATAGAPPs who don't have to deal with the horrors of parenting.
I'm told we have a big election this year. Things are getting pretty heated, if Facebook is a good thermometer of the situation at hand. Some of you have been quite outspoken online with your political beliefs. Just remember, no matter who wins, two years from now, you'll still be the same loser stuck in the same rut, doing the same things. I guarantee it.
Oh where were we? Yes, the kid crap. After a few glasses of wine and PLENTY of ranting, my wife made the comment, "You should blog this stuff"! From her mouth to God's ears. Out of retirement, AKA, the answer to the question no one asked.
Today's topic: Getting rid of kid crap.
Now for those younger gents who haven't knocked up their wives or girlfriends yet, TAKE NOTICE. This is a portent from someone who knows. My biggest anxiety with being a father wasn't the actual notion of parenting. It was the fear of all the kid clutter that could potentially be crummying up our home. Just driving by a white trash residence with the cozy coupes in the driveway, or seeing a finished basement jam-packed with toys was enough to put the fear of God in me. Oh hell no. No way, not me, not ever.
Let me tell you: My wildest nightmares could not rival the amount of baby junk and kid clutter that would pervade our house in years to come. You see, kids are like grown-up versions of dolls for mothers. This is their chance to buy them outfits and accessories as if they were living action figures.....mostly at a premium! And on top of that, you cannot stop friends and relatives from gift-giving and pawning off hand-me-down shit that they can't wait to get out of their own homes. Before you know it, things are out of control and your house has gone to pot. With the proliferation of cheap Chinese plastic crap, it's a battle any red-blooded American male will have trouble winning.
Which brings me to our current status. The glorious, glorious time when I can purge all this stuff that's in the rear-view mirror now. (Our kids are currently 5 and 7) Car seats, strollers, diaper genies, high chairs, safety bed bumpers (are you f-ing kidding me? WHY would you buy this in the first place? Let the kid fall out of bed...it'll toughen him/her up.) Anything and everything, it all must go. The real bummer is that Goodwill won't take most baby crap. But to my delight, my wife informed me that a co-worker has a little one on the way so, Boom!....off these car seats go, and I get a little piece of my garage and my sanity back. Don't worry, I used a leaf blower to blast out all the Gerber Puffs in the nooks and crannies. And we cleaned up *most* of the kid puke on the seat covers. (BTW, getting some more use out of these things is better than them sitting in a landfill, no?)
And while I'm bringing this article to a close, I'd like to simultaneously say God bless you and f**k off to those older folks that would say witty things like, "I don't miss those days", when they saw me bottle-feeding my kid or changing a diaper. You smug dickheads....I can take consolation knowing your just a few years closer to death than I am. (Oh, but I'll be the first one to say something like that next time I see an infant in a Baby Bjorn throw up on its parent!)
So that's it for today, I hope you've learned nothing. Remember me as I work quietly in the background. I'm the guy who discreetly rounds up the kids crap and donates it when no is home. (Or just chucks it in the recycle bin if I'm feeling lazy). Have I talked about the current state of kid birthday parties? Next time on Serial....I mean, The Enforcer.
PS: It took me nearly five years to write a new article and this is the best I could do? I'm in trouble!
I'm told we have a big election this year. Things are getting pretty heated, if Facebook is a good thermometer of the situation at hand. Some of you have been quite outspoken online with your political beliefs. Just remember, no matter who wins, two years from now, you'll still be the same loser stuck in the same rut, doing the same things. I guarantee it.
Oh where were we? Yes, the kid crap. After a few glasses of wine and PLENTY of ranting, my wife made the comment, "You should blog this stuff"! From her mouth to God's ears. Out of retirement, AKA, the answer to the question no one asked.
Today's topic: Getting rid of kid crap.
Now for those younger gents who haven't knocked up their wives or girlfriends yet, TAKE NOTICE. This is a portent from someone who knows. My biggest anxiety with being a father wasn't the actual notion of parenting. It was the fear of all the kid clutter that could potentially be crummying up our home. Just driving by a white trash residence with the cozy coupes in the driveway, or seeing a finished basement jam-packed with toys was enough to put the fear of God in me. Oh hell no. No way, not me, not ever. Let me tell you: My wildest nightmares could not rival the amount of baby junk and kid clutter that would pervade our house in years to come. You see, kids are like grown-up versions of dolls for mothers. This is their chance to buy them outfits and accessories as if they were living action figures.....mostly at a premium! And on top of that, you cannot stop friends and relatives from gift-giving and pawning off hand-me-down shit that they can't wait to get out of their own homes. Before you know it, things are out of control and your house has gone to pot. With the proliferation of cheap Chinese plastic crap, it's a battle any red-blooded American male will have trouble winning.
Which brings me to our current status. The glorious, glorious time when I can purge all this stuff that's in the rear-view mirror now. (Our kids are currently 5 and 7) Car seats, strollers, diaper genies, high chairs, safety bed bumpers (are you f-ing kidding me? WHY would you buy this in the first place? Let the kid fall out of bed...it'll toughen him/her up.) Anything and everything, it all must go. The real bummer is that Goodwill won't take most baby crap. But to my delight, my wife informed me that a co-worker has a little one on the way so, Boom!....off these car seats go, and I get a little piece of my garage and my sanity back. Don't worry, I used a leaf blower to blast out all the Gerber Puffs in the nooks and crannies. And we cleaned up *most* of the kid puke on the seat covers. (BTW, getting some more use out of these things is better than them sitting in a landfill, no?)
And while I'm bringing this article to a close, I'd like to simultaneously say God bless you and f**k off to those older folks that would say witty things like, "I don't miss those days", when they saw me bottle-feeding my kid or changing a diaper. You smug dickheads....I can take consolation knowing your just a few years closer to death than I am. (Oh, but I'll be the first one to say something like that next time I see an infant in a Baby Bjorn throw up on its parent!)
So that's it for today, I hope you've learned nothing. Remember me as I work quietly in the background. I'm the guy who discreetly rounds up the kids crap and donates it when no is home. (Or just chucks it in the recycle bin if I'm feeling lazy). Have I talked about the current state of kid birthday parties? Next time on Serial....I mean, The Enforcer.
PS: It took me nearly five years to write a new article and this is the best I could do? I'm in trouble!
