There's defining moments in a person's existence. For me there was life before Sunday, November 24th, 2019 and life after that momentous day. For on the 24th, I received an email from the Managing Editor of the Ridgefield Press. He explained to me that an editorial I had written ended up in their spam folder and wanted to know if it was OK to run it in this week's edition. (To me, this was like Christmas Eve...but if you know me, that goes without saying.)
Wait! Let me back up. What was my magnum opus all about? Settle down, I shall explain: I am not an ardent reader of the Press, nor much of a fan of the town of Ridgefield (You'll be finding out why momentarily) One day in my Google alerts on my iPhone THIS ARTICLE written by a gal named Julie popped up and I had to read it. (Please take a quick beat to get the gist of it if you haven't done so already. That way I don't have to explain it on this blog)
Boy oh boy, I found countless items that I adamantly disagreed with. The letter rubbed me the wrong way, but I went about my daily business and forgot about it for the most part. UNTIL one day in early November when my ride home on the Danbury line of the Metro North train system broke down in Norwalk.
I had time to kill. Precious time to write a rebuttal to one of the most moronic diatribes I had read in a long time. The Gods struck my brain with a bolt of creativity, and I fired off with both barrels. Long after the train had started moving again I was still writing...now I had moved from my phone to my laptop to wordsmith the damn thing.
What followed was THIS and it dropped on Wednesday, the 27th of November. Pulled from the spam folder to tickle your funny bone.
Now, I salute the Press for having the hutzpah to print my idiotic drivel. (I did NOT appreciate the fact that they went all Dick Tracy and looked up my actual name and street address) So in fairness to me, here is the ENTIRE letter to the editor as I had envisioned it:
So even though after the fact I realized the letter should have been 300 words or less, the Press ran mostly the whole thing! Hats off, you newspaper people! I have bolded the minor sections that got clipped or altered.
REACTION: Well, this thing is still in its infancy, but suffice it to say, I pretty much became an overnight celebrity much like Cookie and Gerry Fleck when their Norwich Terrier won the big dog show.
My sister texted me to say that the article was blowing up on Facebook. I was like, "Who did what now"? Sure enough, there were plenty of reactionary comments. And mostly in my corner!
"Funny and clever response"
"i love...you"
"That is awesome, maybe my favorite letter ever in the Ridgefield Press"
Omg 😂😂😂😂 dead 💀 ☠️"
^ Does this mean she was dying laughing....or she laughed, stop laughing and now she wants ME dead? Like, "Ha hahaha. Now kill him". I can't figure these f-ing emojis out.
"I'll be happy to list your house when your daughter graduates"
"FINALLY some truth. Wake up and small the coffee overpriviledged people"
"The hero we all need"
"'Slanty shanty made my day"
(An animated GIF of Eddie Murphy clapping, most likely from the movie Raw")
"This guy wins Ridgefield today"
(Also a GIF of Jeff Spicoli, which I assume is supposed to be me and is f-ing hilarious.)
One man said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass". What a buzzkill...looked like the kind of guy who would have beat me up in high school. Geez. And this other guy really got offended by my crass attitude and foul language, but I'm sure his idea of funny is Steve Allen or Arthur Godfrey. I don't think he'll be running into me at the Senior Center and I won't be seeing him out in the surf lineup.
But for everyone who got a guffaw out of it, gave it a like or left a positive comment, I appreciate it! If you DIDN'T like it, come have a word with me when I'm eating tacos at Baja: I'm the guy with the mustache.
Well, I'm running out of stuff to say so I'll double down on my original sentiment: Cannot wait to GTF out of this town! But I'm hardly ever here so I got that going for me.
Wait! Let me back up. What was my magnum opus all about? Settle down, I shall explain: I am not an ardent reader of the Press, nor much of a fan of the town of Ridgefield (You'll be finding out why momentarily) One day in my Google alerts on my iPhone THIS ARTICLE written by a gal named Julie popped up and I had to read it. (Please take a quick beat to get the gist of it if you haven't done so already. That way I don't have to explain it on this blog)
 |
| Not Julie, but my idea of what Julie might look like |
Boy oh boy, I found countless items that I adamantly disagreed with. The letter rubbed me the wrong way, but I went about my daily business and forgot about it for the most part. UNTIL one day in early November when my ride home on the Danbury line of the Metro North train system broke down in Norwalk.
 |
| Embarrassingly old-ass trains. |
I had time to kill. Precious time to write a rebuttal to one of the most moronic diatribes I had read in a long time. The Gods struck my brain with a bolt of creativity, and I fired off with both barrels. Long after the train had started moving again I was still writing...now I had moved from my phone to my laptop to wordsmith the damn thing.
What followed was THIS and it dropped on Wednesday, the 27th of November. Pulled from the spam folder to tickle your funny bone.
Now, I salute the Press for having the hutzpah to print my idiotic drivel. (I did NOT appreciate the fact that they went all Dick Tracy and looked up my actual name and street address) So in fairness to me, here is the ENTIRE letter to the editor as I had envisioned it:
To the editor,
I’m stuck on a Metro North train with a bit of time to kill so I thought I’d respond to Julie Schmidt’s somewhat delusional email about how “Ridgefield is Ruined”. I’d like to state up front and for the record that I sorta can’t stand living in this town. It is my wife’s choice and dream to be here. Marriage is a game of compromise. Ridgefield is fine and dandy if you like organized sports, but guess what? I don’t like organized sports. I like surfing and eating tacos. Trust me, our house will be up for sale as soon as little Madison (name changed to protect the innocent) walks across that graduation stage (God willing)
Oh sorry, I’m getting off track…back to Julie’s letter! I’ll try and hit some of the key points I disagree with:
1. First off, Julie has only been here twenty years and she claims she’s a New Englander (“Our New England Charm”) She’s from LaLa Land. Not there’s anything wrong with that, but 1999 wasn’t that long ago to be claiming “Our New England charm”. And nothing has changed drastically in 20 years. “Money has taken over”. When since the dawn of history has money not ruled everything? By the way, who the hell is Norman Rockwell?
2. “Our New England charm is demolished with every demolished home.” I hate to break it to you, but time marches on: People can’t afford the upkeep on every slanty shanty from 1776. These things gotta be razed to make room for McMansions. It’s the American way!
3. “I for one enjoy trees”. Good God almighty, there is no shortage of trees in this stinking town (or state for that matter). Everywhere I look it’s trees, trees, trees. And take heed, you idiots, this is going out to the whole town: Cut those damn rampant trees & branches down in your yards!! Everyone acts all stupid when we have a major storm and the power goes kaput. If you all took responsibility with your property we’d have less road closures and power outages. Tree removal isn’t as sexy as a kitchen renno or a finished basement, but some of you all need to have a come to Jesus with yourself and take care of your yards!
Julie, you’re not off the hook yet: you ever have a tree fall on your house or car? Trust me, you won’t be loving trees so much after you have to go through the nightmare with your insurance provider.
Same goes for the town, so listen up you fat cats: Trim all those branches that are close to the road and MUNICIPAL responsibility. Ohhhh the town has a 90k budget for tree work, that outta’ cover about one and a half streets.
The same goes for open spaces, there’s plenty of that too. I’ve got a nature preserve in my backyard, I see about four people using it a year.
4. “We have a Main Street that no longer brings in shoppers and strollers on Saturday afternoons.” Julie, are you high??? Or do I enter into some bizarre alternate dimension every Saturday and Sunday? The whole essence of Ridgefield revolves around bringing in out-of-towners on the weekends and we have them in plentitude. No shortage of traffic, that’s for sure. And you say you don’t want traffic, but you are melancholy that people aren’t coming here to shop and stroll. Which is it?? Do you want congestion or not? You can’t have it both ways.
“I’m a lifelong Democrat but will be voting against every incumbent — Republican or Democrat. They are all responsible for the current state of our town.” Can’t agree more…we cool! God love ya’, Julie!
BTW, who won the election? Instead of voting, I took my kids to Guitar Center to play with instruments. I thought it was a better use of my time.
So even though after the fact I realized the letter should have been 300 words or less, the Press ran mostly the whole thing! Hats off, you newspaper people! I have bolded the minor sections that got clipped or altered.
REACTION: Well, this thing is still in its infancy, but suffice it to say, I pretty much became an overnight celebrity much like Cookie and Gerry Fleck when their Norwich Terrier won the big dog show.
My sister texted me to say that the article was blowing up on Facebook. I was like, "Who did what now"? Sure enough, there were plenty of reactionary comments. And mostly in my corner!
"Funny and clever response"
"i love...you"
"That is awesome, maybe my favorite letter ever in the Ridgefield Press"
Omg 😂😂😂😂 dead 💀 ☠️"
^ Does this mean she was dying laughing....or she laughed, stop laughing and now she wants ME dead? Like, "Ha hahaha. Now kill him". I can't figure these f-ing emojis out.
"I'll be happy to list your house when your daughter graduates"
"FINALLY some truth. Wake up and small the coffee overpriviledged people"
"The hero we all need"
"'Slanty shanty made my day"
(An animated GIF of Eddie Murphy clapping, most likely from the movie Raw")
"This guy wins Ridgefield today"
(Also a GIF of Jeff Spicoli, which I assume is supposed to be me and is f-ing hilarious.)
One man said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass". What a buzzkill...looked like the kind of guy who would have beat me up in high school. Geez. And this other guy really got offended by my crass attitude and foul language, but I'm sure his idea of funny is Steve Allen or Arthur Godfrey. I don't think he'll be running into me at the Senior Center and I won't be seeing him out in the surf lineup.
But for everyone who got a guffaw out of it, gave it a like or left a positive comment, I appreciate it! If you DIDN'T like it, come have a word with me when I'm eating tacos at Baja: I'm the guy with the mustache.
Well, I'm running out of stuff to say so I'll double down on my original sentiment: Cannot wait to GTF out of this town! But I'm hardly ever here so I got that going for me.
