Sucking In the 90's: Lithium

Is it possible the decade I refer to as the "horrible, horrible '90s" really wasn't that bad, musically? Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a huge fan of 80's music.  But let's face it.  Thanks to commercials, TV, film and well, every other related forms of pop culture, the 1980's have officially been rammed down our throats and rendered useless.  Yeah, '80s music sucks now.  Especially with terrible satellite radio stations that have a playlist as weak as coffee from Friendly's.  Which leads us into this week's rant….

So Howard Stern has been on vacation pretty much all summer, if not the entire year.  And I probably shouldn't be listening to him with two kids in the car anyways.  Whilst scanning the dial on Sirius Radio, I've recently come across a channel at one time I wouldn't dream of listening to: Lithium which bills itself as '90s Alternative/Grunge.  I consider myself a child of the eighties.  But the '90s is when I actually started going to a lot of arena-sized concerts.  Largely in part due to large-bill events like Lollapalooza, I realize I saw many of the bands perform that I hear on Lithium.  A lot of the songs I hear on the channel bring me back to Denver, Colorado where, evidentially, I spent a great deal of time in the '90s.  Yeah, all I need to hear is an Eve 6 song and I'm right back working in the mini lab at Robert Waxman with my good friend Adam.

When I hear an obscure '90s songs I feel like I'm one of the guys in the beginning of Reservoir Dogs in the diner.  "Hey I just heard 'Going the Distance' by Cake.  Where where they racing?  Did the guy ever go home?  Or how about that other song? "Why did the guy want to move to the country and eat peaches?"  The only difference is that I'm not sitting at a diner with a bunch of bank robbers.  I'm just having a conversation with the voices in my head.

One Hit Wonders: Holy Christ, I had forgotten how many One Hit Wonders the 90's produced.  Here's a few off the top of my head: Fun Lovin' Criminals, Cardigans, The Verve (or The Verve Pipe!), James, Edwin Collins, Spacehog, Nada Surf, Tracy Bonham, Tripping Daisy, K's Choice, dog's eye view, Fastball, Seven Mary Three, Vertical Horizon, Marcy Playground, Toadies, Presidents of the United States of America, New Radicals, Primitive Radio Gods, eels, Days of the New and Harvey Danger.  You remember all these bands, right?  Right?  What are they doing now?  Wait, don't answer that.  I don't care.

Does anyone remember this awesome song from a band called Geggy Tah?  I do.  Holy crap, the video has a little dog driving a car!  OK, the '90s didn't suck that bad.  Another great one hit wonder was "That Song" by Big Wreck.

OTOH, how about "Banditos" by the Refreshments?  Was that band not the biggest ripoff of Cracker?  Remember all the Nirvana clones like Oleander and that POS, Silverchair?  The record companies were losing their shit trying to find the next Kurt Cobain.

And what about all those bands that sounded exactly alike?  They were as follows:  Dishwalla, Better Than Ezra, Vertical Horizon, Tonic and Semisonic.  For all I know they were all exactly the same shitty-shitty band-band.

All I can say is listen to Lithium one day.  You will have at least one, "God damn, I totally forgot that song existed!" moment.  Trust me.

Did Anyone Survive?  In my opinion, there aren't a lot of "alternative" or "grunge" musical acts that "survived" the '90s.  Most bands if they are still together have been relegated to the state fair circuit or venues like Stamford's "Alive At 5".  Who is still relevant?  Weezer?  Radiohead?  Foo Fighters, definitely.  And Green Day, but I hate them.  I'm not counting any "reunion" bands like Jane's Addiction, Blink 182 or Soundgarden.  If you quit, you quit.  Assholes.

What's Good: All the Seattle grunge stuff is cool in my book.  Nirvana's Nevermind has never sounded better.  Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Screaming Trees.  I have some all-time favorites that I guess I took for granted at the time:  Verucca Salt, Garbage,  Local H,  Primus.  The Prodigy is cool as hell.  Did you ever see the unedited video for "Smack My Bitch Up"?  (You may have to sit through a crappy trailer for a Jenny McCarthy movie but it's worth it.  And definitely NSFW)  Tool is wonderful, then and now.  I even like some songs by Hole and Everclear definitely grew on me.

What Sucked Balls, Then & Now:  Stone Temple Pilots, Bush, Sugar Ray, Green Day, Offspring, 311, Blind Melon, Collective Soul, Pearl Jam's later material, the vocals of Anthony Keidis.  I have mixed feelings on the Smashing Pumpkins but lean mostly towards, "they suck" due to that awful, whiny Billy Corgan.

A closing thought:  Here we are in 2011.  So around the time I was in college and we were all having a good laugh, "Oh let's throw a 70's party" like a bunch of morons….Well the kids who are in college now, the early 90's would be like our 1970's.  Damn!  Where did the time go?  Am I making sense?  Are you thinking the same thing while you're mowing the lawn?  Or is it just me?

PS: I really f*cking hate Pearl Jam.  Except for a few songs from the first album.  They suck!

PPS: I realize this article was long, but I have an unhealthy obsession with music, especially forgotten music.  And I've suffered through your vacation photos and pics of your motorcycle on Facebook, so if you've made it this far we're even now!

PPPS:  Whyizzit on a Sirius radio when you lose reception, it says "acquiring signal"?  When in fact, that's the exact opposite of what's going on!  The radio isn't acquiring shit!  It should say "no signal".

My PIX11 @ 10 Top 10

As you may or may not know, I work freelance in the TV news arena.  Living in suburban Connecticut, I had always preferred to get my news from New York City.   Quite frankly, the Hartford and New Haven stations aren't relevant to me.  A Dunkin Donuts armed robbery in Prospect doesn't mean a rat's patootie when you live in lower Fairfield County.

My go-to station as a youngster was Channel 5 WNEW back in the days of John Roland. If you are old enough, you'll remember when they covered such hard-hitting (and scary!) stories such as the Son of Sam murders and that real-life Travis Bickle, Bernhard Goetz.  Then the station changed names and became FOX 5 WNYW as it remains today.  In my opinion, Fox 5 is the McDonald's of metropolitan news.  Channel 11 has always been close second, so we'll refer to it as Burger King.  But hold on: There's been some changes as of late. (Well, since last October, but pardon me all over the place….I'm slow!)

PIX 11 slightly tweaked their 10 o'clock show.  Slightly?  Well, they did a complete overhaul.  Have you seen it?  Do you like it?  Well, who cares what you think….I love it!  And you know what?  I'd also rather eat at Burger King!  That's right.  I was once a die hard Fox 5 fan, but I've jumped ship like you wouldn't believe.  And I've got sound reasoning to back up my decision.

This new format is absolutely a "love it or hate it" thing.  There is no in between, and that's not up for debate.  It's been bashed to high hell, being called everything from "assembly line newscasting" to "an iphone app".  Never one to flow with the critics, I have a different opinion.  And I've been taking notes.  So now, with no further ado, here's my top 10 reasons for watching the revolutionary new PIX11 at 10.

10.  The A Block, AKA The Pix 11 at 10:  Yes, they use trade terminology talking about rundowns and blocks.  Why not just tell the audience about thumbsuckers and evergreens?  I'll let that slide.  Moving on, I like the little story preview icons that run on the bottom of the screen.  Not that I need to know what the next 5 stories are going to be, but it's kind of cool.  I like their green screen setup.  I like the whole walking through the studio.  Like, like, like.

9.  The Editorializing:  I'm taking this show with a grain of salt and loving every minute of it.  Once the, ahem, "hard" news is out of the way, it's off to the races.  Who's the guy who stands in front of the stone wall and does his spiel?  Well, I like the After Effects graphics on the building.  Clever.  Greg Mocker does a good job as well.  People gotta be cringing when the PIX11 News Team shows up at their door.

8. They Stand Up For The Little Guy:  All the consumer affairs segments they do, as well as segments like "Ugliest House Contest".  I approve.  Sure, they're trashy, but by all accounts, living in the metropolitan area can be a real miserable experience.  I'm glad these guys are blowing the whistle on scumbag landlords, swindling contractors and shifty politicians.  I like the consumer advocate who wears the pith helmet.  Where is he going?  On a safari?  You want to be memorable on screen?  Get a signature hat, problem solved.

7.  Monica Morales: She has a nice voice.

6. Mr. G's Weather: Well, I'm not a *huge* fan, but he seems like a pleasant enough man and you gotta know what the forecast is for tomorrow, right?


5. They Moved Kaity Tong Out Of The Studio And Put Her On Some Island: N/T

4. The Lincoln Strictly Business Report: And that it is.  Stocks and a few quick biz stories.  And I like that music bed they occasionally use.  No, not that one.  The other one.  You know I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that the PIX 11 10 o'clock graphics are very minimalist, but it all works well.  No lightning bolts or crazy-ass chrome lettering.  Lots of black screen, but like Thelonious Monk said, it's not the notes you play, it's the notes you DON'T play.

3. They Only Do One Minute of Sports:  Thank God.  Not that I have anything against big league competitive games, but if I want the scores, I'll watch ESPN.

2. Lionel:  He's radical, he's subversive.  I love his rants.  Not something you'd see in your typical newscast.  Maybe because most typical NY newscasts are focused on the score of the Yankee's game and 4 weather hits.  This isn't your typical crybaby liberal stuff like, "Oh, Michele Bachman doesn't know about the Revolutionary War.  Look at me, I'm so smug."  No, what Lionel is doing is subtlety working his viewers into a lather that may end in a coup d'état.  In a very non-polarized manner, I might add.  At the very least, he's getting people to think about their government.

I just get the feeling they're gonna take ol' Lionel away in the middle of the night, OR he's going to incite this country into revolution.  Until then, whichever comes first, I'm tuned in.  BTW, this guy knows how to write a tease.  Producers, if you want your audience to stick around, take a cue from Lionel.

1. Jodi:  The News Vixen of the Tri-State area, Jodi Applegate is what makes this whole thing worth watching.  I used to enjoy her when she was on "Come On, Wake Up New York" on Fox 5.  I'd love to know why she left.  Then she was at News 12 Long Island, but now she's back in the Big City.  Did you ever see that thing on Youtube where those two losers tried to punk her by cutting a bike chain?  And they had the fake blood?  And she totally lost it?  "We'll be right back after this.  That was not cool, dude."  Well, back to present day, she makes it look easy. Big fan.

So that's it.  Now to the staff of PIX 11, should you stumble across this article, do the right thing: Hire me as a producer!  I can start tomorrow.

The rest of you?  If you haven't seen the show, tune in tonight!  And comment as you see fit.

PS-Another reason that PIX is my new Fox 5…..they got Seinfeld at 11!  That's right, and it's in glorious HD.  Make the switch!

Ooooh, A Celebrity Died…Let's Facebook It!

In an effort to the the first to report, I may have screwed up a few of the facts.

I'm breaking in here with a special report.  This blog presents itself as a (satirical) guide to Fairfield County, but lately it's more of a disgusting dissection of Facebook.  We all know that we can break avid Facebookers down into little categories.  Let's talk about a certain faction today:

We all have those morbid "friends" who are first to post up on the Social Network when a celebrity leaves this mortal coil.  It must be some kind of euphoric rush for them to be the "first" to let the rest of us know the news.  I don't think they want to engage in any kind of deep discussion behind the demise of Macho Man Randy Savage, Jeff Conaway or Clarence Clemons.  It's more about getting the information out to their people and being the first to do so.  These computerized Kevorkians (I know, he just died too!) are junking up my news feed with information I've already got.

Not dead

Case & point: A few months ago, Poly Styrene from the punk band X Ray Specs passed away.  Sad news for fans, friends and family.  But WTF….why were so many of my Facebook friends posting up the obit link?  You cannot tell me that that many people were actively listening to "Germ Free Adolescents", were they?  You were?  Well OK, fair enough.

Can you imagine how apeshit-crazy Facebook is going to be if Ian McKaye or Henry Rollins ever bite the big one?

Bottom line is, I think there's a bunch of people who want to play news reporter-slash-grim reaper.  Not necessary.  Here's a newsflash:  We're all familiar with the *rest* of the Internet besides Facebook.  Believe you me, I've seen it already.  There are plenty of news sites that I heard it from before you posted it on Facebook.

My mandate:  If you feel compelled to post an obit to Facebook, I want you to include a two page essay on why the celebrity death means so much to you.  Otherwise, just keep posting pictures of your cat.

Now on the other hand, when Earnest Thomas passes away, you have my full permission to discuss it all over the Internet.  He's still alive right?  Has anyone heard from him lately?

The Terrible Truths of the Wedding Videographer

Summer is here and for me, that means one thing: Wedding season.  But unlike Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, I’m not on a mission to party up and bang bridesmaids.  My objective is to make some coin.  Sadly, the whole thing can be a soul-crushing experience.

Now don’t get me wrong.  For the most part, I love the career path I chose.  Working in (for lack of a better term) video production, I’m involved with a variety of wonderful projects: filming models, food shoots, luxury yachts.  But like most anything, you have to take the good with the bad.  Let’s talk about the bad: Weddings.

A still from my first gig

How did I ever get my self into this racket?  It’s draining work, both physically, mentally and spiritually.  If you know me, I pretty much hate everything unless it involves skateboarding, playing the drums or skateboarding while playing the drums.  Weddings?  You know damn well I don’t want to attend them, OK, now I’m going to them as a form of income? I’m already off on the wrong foot.  But why?  Answer: money. The sweet, sweet money.  I have bills to pay and a family to support.  If I could get by on shooting music videos for the Boardlords, I would.  Sadly, that is not the case.

The Big Day:  What we’re dealing with here is a service industry of many individuals working together to make the bride, groom and their parents happy.   Wedding planners, florists, DJ’s, photographers, wait staff and so on.  It’s long, hot days where you’ll be working as the “hired help”.  Generally I find you’ll be in the trenches with folks who have been doing this a long time.  They are jaded, negative, burnt out and it generally makes my day all the more miserable.

So I’ve put together a set of “terrible truths” for the aspiring wedding videographer.   You really sure you want to get into this line of work?  Well read on, or bail out now.  

1. Hurry Up and Wait: The bridal prep will always start early and the reception will always run late.  If they tell you to be there at 2, the bride will no doubt already be in her gown ready to go.  Ooops.  As for the reception, it’s a party.  People are drunk and they want to booze the night away.  If you’re supposed to be there until “the end”, brace yourself for tedium. The thing you have to realize is you are there to work.  As everyone gets progressively shitfaced, you will remain sober.  And bored. Over the course of 7 or 10 or 13 hours.  Those Excel spreadsheets the wedding planners put together?  Forget it.  Everything is  always running waaaaaayyyyyyy behind schedule due to one factor or another.

2. Wedding photographers:  They are your mortal enemy.  In theory, you should be working as a team, but it always seems like it’s some damn competition to them.  “Oh look, I did a better job than the video guy.  I win!”  With the exception of some very cool individuals (you know who you are) most wedding photographers I work with are dickheads.  They’re either totally pretentious or more lost in space than the Family Robinson. 

The scenario plays out the same every time:  It’s always like two girls from the City, they think I’m a jerkoff, they treat me like a second rate citizen and we get in each other’s way the whole day and night.  They're always smug and miserable.  Of course they're miserable, they're wedding photographers, for Christ's sake.  (Leave your messages of love in the "comments" section below) 


I remember this one British photographer dude was so full of himself and his “craft”.  Talking down to me like,  “I see you there with your tripod, that’s making me nervous.  I like to work loose and free, you’re just going to get in my way.”  OK, you arrogant twat.  Why don’t you stick your head up a dead bear’s asshole?  Lucky for him, I never remembered his name; otherwise I would have besmirched his reputation all over the Internet under the guise of "disgruntled brides".

3. I Corinthians 13:1-13: If it’s a Christian ceremony, someone WILL read this at the podium.  Let's come up with something new, people.

4. The Cocktail Hour: Sometimes you’ll be requested to get footage from the cocktail hour.  From my experience, people do not like to be filmed at this time.  You might as well poke them with dog doo-doo on a stick.  Now on the other hand, wait till the reception starts and they’re on the dance floor, totally loaded.  Then they’ll be camera-happy like you wouldn’t believe.

5. Lighting:  You know, every year the cameras that come out are getting better for low light situations.  But God-dammit, it also seems like every year the reception halls keep getting DARKER and DARKER!  You gotta give me something to work with…someone turn on a light!  And f*ck these kitschy weddings in a barn out in the middle of nowhere. It might as well be 1834, I can't see or film anything!

"But that's enough about me."

6. The toasts: Oh God, let them be quick.  Bless the dude who keeps his best man’s speech under 90 seconds.  Unfortunately, this is usually their "time to shine" with bad jokes, inside jokes, racist jokes (kidding) and long-winded stories.  Thankfully tape is cheap.  I found this great advice on a "wedding toast" website, "Begin, be brief, and be seated."  Also at this time I'd like to mention I cannot stand any "reunions" at weddings, like the college acapella group The Tone Arrangers or Whiffenpoofs or whatever else is going to force me to stay in the same area filming for a long period of time.

7.  The food:  I’m talking about what you eat, not the guests.  I’ve experienced it all: The dizzying highs and disgusting lows.  I’ve been treated like one of the guests where I was served a 3 course meal & wine when I wasn’t shooting.  I’ve also been sequestered to the pantry where I was served a roast beef sandwich.  If you are hiring a videographer, have some class.  It goes a long way.  

"Please remove our picture
from your stupid blog"

8. The wedding band:  Oh boy, where do we start?  Did you ever notice that every race, creed and color is represented in the wedding band?  It’s like a United Nations of assholes.  They folks are steeped in their own little subculture.  They don’t want to know you and you don’t want to know them.  But what the wedding band does know is all the best reception halls and wedding factories for getting fed.  And they won’t hesitate to talk about how they got a fine cut of Chateaubriand at last week's gig.  


BTW, with all the soundchecks and preparation, you’d think Bon Jovi himself was going to drop in to sing “Living On A Prayer”.  Dude, just plug in and play your Earth, Wind and Fire cover.  Get over yourselves.

9. The DJ: Unlike the band, the DJ’s are usually cool.  I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.  My advice is be nice to them.  They run the show and can tell you when all the key events are happening.  (Unlike the wedding planner-don’t ask her anything!)

10. The Song: This next one depresses me so much, I don’t know why: From here on out, you will absolutely, positively hear the song "I've Got a Feeling Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night" at every reception you go to. Just know that going in.  It breaks my spirit every time I hear it.  When I have to film people dancing to Black Eyed Peas, I think I know what a prostitute feels like.  OK, it's not that bad.  But it's pretty bad.  

11. Other Notable Songs: You will hear “All the Single Ladies” if the bride throws the bouquet.  You will hear “How Sweet It Is” if the couple cuts the wedding cake.  Or “When I’m 64”.  Or possibly “Your Love Is Sweeter Than Chocolate” if the couple is more sensitive and artsy-fartsy.

"Is that a 5D?  Sweet!"

I could go on and on and on.  Yes, it’s the dictionary definition of a thankless job.  

So this summer when you’re home relaxing with your family on a Saturday night watching Amercia’s Most Wanted, remember me:  I’m the guy who's out videotaping drunk people dancing to Loveshack.

PS- If you work in the wedding industry and happened to stumble upon this blog, I have some humble advice for you:  Try and be nice to your fellow vendors.  It’s a long day and we’re all just trying to get through it.  Or you can just keep being a douchebag.  I’m taking notes, and maybe someday your crappy attitude will be fodder for my yet-to-be-released book.  Or movie!

Landscaping Roundup

Hey, this blog is supposed to be about Fairfield County, right? What could be more apropos than pictures of a suburban yard?  So let's talk about landscaping, shall we?

"I don't want no hippie pad, I want a house, just like Mom & Dad!"

Since we're in the throes of raising a 2-almost-3 month old screaming infant, going to the Superbowl of Hardcore or Youth of Today reunion shows aren't on my radar.  But spending plenty of time at home is. So this is what I do now.  Courtesy of the internet, my mental unravelling is now a public spectacle.

Landscaping.  I've made it a point to get out every year around this time and take a picture from the same spot so I can see what kind of progress I've made.  This year, for example, I have been installing that plastic edging to separate the lawn from the mulch.

Not to drift off topic, but remember when things looked like this?

January 27th, 2011.  Holy crap, that's a lot of snow!

Wow, what a difference a few months makes.  I've got to be the biggest moron alive for living in Connecticut, because I can't stand the cold weather.  And every year all my hard work in the backyard gets destroyed by Mother Nature.  Let's get back to the nice weather, shall we?

We're in a particularly wonderful time of year here in the Northeast: Late May, early June. Everything, in my opinion, is "just right". Flowers have bloomed, ornamental grasses have grown nicely and the lawn is green.  And there's no stupid leaves on the ground.  Perfect!

But get ready:  A tipping point is upon us.  We're just weeks away from a major sh*tstorm, possibly fueled by global warming or climate change or whatever they're calling it this year.

The dog days of summer are gonna brown out that grass, unless you're one of those uber-rich Fairfield County types with the killer sprinkler system. Even then it's still a tough battle.  Uh oh, it's pretty hot out right now and more hot weather predicted for tomorrow.

Anyone got dogs?  My shrubs don't stand a snowballs chance in hell when Fido decides to urinate all over everything in site.  I've had to rip up and throw out countless boxwoods thanks to our canine pee-pee factory.

This lawn has been wacked with enough chemicals to give it that nice toxic green glow.

And those lovely grasses are going to get too big and flop over.  What do you do?  Cut them down a bit?  Then they look stupid.  Sometimes I take some twine and tie the bunches together.  These ones below are particularly difficult to deal with.  Like my kids.

I just picked up this bad boy this year.  

So that's it for my landscaping roundup.  I'll be in the backyard.  Stop by this summer, we'll have a beer.

Praise the Lard: Bonus Breasts

I've uncovered more information about Chick-fil-A.  Rather than edit it in to the existing article, I'm just going to create a new, much shorter post.

Check this out: On the subject of Chick-fil-A and Connecticut, did you know that the co-administrator of the restaurant's Facebook fan page is a Connecticut resident?  Are you f-ing kidding me?  The page has 4,192,650 fans at press time.  (Actually make that 4,192,651…..I just signed up)  Read the AdWeek article here if you don't believe me.

It's amazing.  They were going to try and claim the site from Brandy Bitzer, but decided she was such a rabid fan that they would share administrative duties with her instead.  So let me get this straight: The site admin is from Connecticut, but we can't have a restaurant here?  That blows my mind.  Bitzer, you got any pull?  Let's get a Chick-fil-A up in this piece!  Don't make me sic the Enforcer Army on you.

Shot stolen from some wedding photographer

One girl who is apparently a Connecticut wedding photographer came up with a convoluted way to transport a Chick-fil-A sandwich from New Jersey back to the Nutmeg State for her boyfriend.  Read her story here.  A for effort, but I'd probably just end up eating everything in the parking lot.  The boyfriend should put down the Playstation and get his own food, right?

Enough talk.  At this point, I have one foot out the door on a mission to Paramus.  It's delicious, bitch!

Praise the Lard: A Special Report

So I just got back from vacation in the South. Not much happened. I did see Kathy Griffen in Savannah with my wife, sister and a bunch of gays and lesbians.  I was informed that I was one of four straight guys in the audience. She picked us out of the crowd by our baseball caps and ill-fitting clothing. I will gladly pay good money any night of the week to hear someone get on stage and talk sh*t about Oprah and her stupid finale.  Plus she took a dump on Travolta, Kelly Preston, Elizabeth Hasselback, Kirstie Alley and a ton of other celebs I can't stand.

Bravo, Kathy.

We're Not Here To Talk About Griffen

So let's move on to what this article is about: Chick-fil-A. That wonderful fast food chain that claims to have invented the chicken sandwich. Now in my mind, the restaurant has always had a "Southern" stigma. "Oh yeah, that's that place you see when you're down in South Carolina, right". But not so fast:  A check of their website and wikipedia reveals that they are now in 39 states! That's right, you've got 'em in Massachusetts, Jersey, New Hampshire, but WTF….no Connecticut!  Apparently, there's even on in New York City in of all places NYU???????  But that covert location is only open sometimes?  Anyone with info on that, please get back to me, thank you!  UPDATE  Actually, I found this quick review on Yelp.com:

"The Chick-fil-A on the NYU campus is a well guarded secret. I'm pretty sure that you're technically supposed to be a student to get in, but the 2 people sitting at desks at the door never seem to be carding so for now it's a non-issue."


?????  What?  I don't have time to get into this, nor do I even know where to start. Future article.  Let's just move on, shall we?

Back to my story:  I ate at Chick-fil-A like 3 or 4 times last week.  While I was out in the field doing (ahem) research, reporter Kat Von R was busy gathering data from the most reliable source on Earth: the internet. She found a few interesting tidbits.

Apparently, I'm not the only one concerned about why the restaurant won't set up shop in good ol' CT. Check out this mind blowing response from Chick-fil-A posted on a message board:


"There are currently no plans to develop a Chick-fil-A Restaurant in Connecticut. Each year, we receive literally hundreds of requests from customers regarding possible locations at or near which they would like to see a Chick-fil-A Restaurant. Although we appreciate our customers' input, our Chick-fil-A Restaurant new opening locations are determined internally through our own market research after thoughtful analysis."


Huh?  Whycome the hate for the Nutmeg State?  "Internally" leads me to believe this is some kind of "case closed" argument.   Is it a religious thing?  Do the Southern Christian religious types have something against the Puritanical leanings of us Connecticutters?  (Yes, it's a word now)  These guys crossed the Mason Dixon line to build new, so why omit Connecticut from the fun?

Is it a tax thing?  Is setting up a business in Connecticut too much of a hassle?  Hell, you can't buy alcohol on Sundays, I would think a restaurant that closes shop on the holy day would fit right in. I see rich people throwing money hand over fist at places like Burgers Shakes and Fries.  You don't think a Chick-fil-A in Greenwich or Darien wouldn't be epic?  It would be a license to print money.  At the very least, put one in the food court at the Stamford Town Center.  That place is a ghost town, right?

Uh Oh, Here We Go

One thing I want to touch lightly upon is the whole anti gay controversy surrounding Chick-fil-A.  Don't mention this restaurant around your lefty friends w/o expecting a firm "talking to":  "Oh Scott, you can't eat there.  We found out they don't support gay marriage."  So let's do a reality check here for a second:  The restaurant is owned and run by Southern Baptists.  Were you expecting them to embrace any kind of alternative lifestyle with open arms?  Hello?  Bing bong!

On that note, who was the Woodward & Burnstein that blew this case wide open?  Gee, religious chicken restaurant *may* have supported a marriage seminar with homophobic tendencies.  Didn't see that one coming.  Bombshell.

All I know is they make a great chicken sandwich, the price is right and they have great indoor playgrounds that my kid loves.  And the staff is nice to me and refills my lemonade.  Haters, keep your politics out of my fast food experience!  I have so little joy in my life. Just let me have this one thing.  Please?

No pun intended, but Chick-fil-A plays it pretty straight.  Kat and I had a laugh over the extremely simple chicken sandwich they present.  Two pickles and a bun, unless you ask otherwise.  I guess fancy fusion mayo would be blasphemous, right?  The waffle fries are as crazy as they get.

This is kind of off topic, but it drives me up the wall:  The founder of the company is named S. Truett Cathy.  I HATE HATE HATE when a person abbreviates his first name with just the initial.  What the hell is that about anyways?  How bout' either you use the name your mama gave you, or just drop it and go with the middle name you seem to like so much.  No stupid initial!  Another example would be M. Emmet Walsh, but he was great in Blade Runner and Fletch, so we'll let him off the hook.

There Is Another

Yes, as the subtitle emplies, there is another choice, a Princess Leia to Chick Fil A's Luke Skywalker:  Zaxby's.  A damn fine chicken establishment if I do say so myself.  And you will most certainly find me there on Sundays.  (Their sales must spike on the 7th day, I'd love to see some numbers.) The Zax Sauce may be laced with crack cocaine.  It's delicious and highly addictive.

Now Zaxby's, I can pretty much surmise, is found exclusively in Southern regions. But if we can't get the Fil A to head to CT, maybe someday Zaxby's would be willing to step in?  Do they have any political agendas that I need to know about?

In Closing

At the end of the day (or lunchtime!), I really don't care.  All I know is I love Chick-fil-A.   It just gives me something to look forward to when I am going back down South.  And more incentive to move out of this Godforsaken, taxed-to-sh*t state that I am growing to hate more and more each day.  You know, if they put a Chick-fil-A in CT, they'd probably find a way to screw it up anyways.  And of course it would be overpriced, which defeats the whole purpose.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm driving to Paramus, wherever the hell that is.

Like Abbey Road, But Much Crappier

The Worthless Miracles are just weeks away from resuming our jam sessions. We've secured a nice rental in an undisclosed location. We're either going to use it for band rehearsal space, or my other, better idea is an illegal phone sex operation.

As you may recall, my better half had deemed our weekly exercises in noise terror unwholesome for the development of our newborn child. So we're packin' up and movin' our little dog & pony show across town.

The rental space looks like a cross between Don Draper's office and Chernobyl. Unfortunately, the landlord took away that cool old-time safe.

The next pics you see here will hopefully be the "renovated" jam space. We have big plans including a bar, brick oven pizza and a stripper pole.

POLL: What color should I paint the walls?

And we still need a singer. Are you interested yet?

Oh No, Not Again!

Dammit!  They evil empire that runs Blogger YET AGAIN pulled my advertising privileges.

I'm not even going to mention their name (We'll call them Scroogle) or their ad program, because the last time I did, it messed with the search engine numbers on my old blog. Yes, if you speak ill of the corporation that does "no evil", you will be silenced.

No sooner did I establish a new account than I got this email:

"While going through our records recently, we found that your A******e account has posed a significant risk to our A*****s advertisers. Since keeping your account in our publisher network may financially damage our advertisers in the future, we've decided to disable your account. Please understand that we consider this a necessary step to protect the interests of both our advertisers and our other A*****e publishers. We realize the inconvenience this may cause you, and we thank you in advance for your understanding and cooperation"

Alright, what did I do now?  Last time around this happened, my viewers had allegedly gone click happy on the ads.  I never clicked on my own ads, but you know….I can't keep track of everyone else's comings and goings.  

But what set them off this time?  Was it the swearing?  It was the swearing, right?  What else could it have been?  A post that bashed B&H Photo?  Hmmm…. Perhaps.  I even established an entirely new email identity, but these guys took me down in like 2 posts.  Apparently, I am Persona Non Grata in the Scroogle Universe.


And once again, when they remove the ads, you're left with a big, gaping hole below the first post on your site.  So thanks for that, dickheads.

BTW, what the hell does "going through our records" mean anyways?  Do they have someone on the payroll whose job it is to read stupid blogs like mine?  And I hate the phrase "thank you in advance".  I wouldn't use it unless I'm going out of my way to be a complete jerk.  Hey Scroogle, go f*ck yourself in advance.  At least now I won't be walking on eggshells when it comes to content and my unabashed consumer watchdog reviews.

OK, so f them.  I don't need no stinkin' Netflix and Icelandic Air ads crummying things up.  I'm calling on all my web savvy and financially savvy friends out there to help me out.  How can I get some legit advertisers on my site?  I'm looking for companies that want to place their ads on a site where 90% of the content is from a borderline neglectful dad who writes about stupid crap in Fairfield County and uses the occasional swear word.  If anyone has any suggestions, let me know.  I'd like to keep things on this Blogger site for ease of use.  Unless they throw me off, which could happen any day now.

Thanks in advance.  No, really.  Thanks.

Sorry, I Can't Go To Your Thing

I'm more depressed than Catherine Zeta-Jones with an empty bottle of Lithane over my current station in life.  But I don't need a stint at Trembling Hills….I got this blog to self-medicate.  Here, let me explain:

The Social Net-jerk

I gotta get off Facebook.  You singles, childless couples, gays and youngsters are bumming me out.

Believe you me:  I would LOVE to go to your concerts, art openings, skate jams, keg parties, film debuts and such and such.  But I can't.  You see, I am the proud parent of two wonderful children.  Who are slowly sucking the life out of me, one day at a time.

Now, I love you all.  I get all your private messages, invitations, emails, evites and phone calls about the latest cool thing going on this weekend.  But I won't be attending.  Being the parent of a newborn, I am serving prison time.  In my own house, to boot.  The only time off for good behavior I get is going to work (yes, work.  It's that bad) or maybe a meal at Friendly's. (On Wednesdays kids eat for $1.99!)

It's Not For Everyone
(Authors note:  Keep in mind I have the maturity level of a 17 year old, so take this next part with a grain of salt)

Now this section is for you younger folks who are on the fence about having kids.  You'll be at a party, work or some other social situation.  And some annoying older person says, "When are you going to have children?"  And they'll sugar coat it and make it seem like it's all rainbows, ice cream and free iPhones.  But I'm here to give you the straight poop.  And yes, there is a lot of poop.  And spit up.  And sleepless nights.  Back to the poop:  By my count, I drag about 60 pounds of dirty diapers to the curb each Monday morning.  I'm not kidding.   OK, let's move on.


So why would they sugar coat it?  My take on the whole this parenthood thing is that misery loves company.  These carpet shark custodians just want to suck you into their world of boogie wipes, play dates, and Coxackie Viruses.

Does life begin at conception?  That I don't know. But I can tell you life ends when your wife says she wants kids.  Get ready for sacrifice. They don't call them time burglars for nothing.  I would love to spend Sunday afternoon drinking beer on the couch and watching District 9.  Instead, I'm chasing a wild two year old all over the Maritime Aquarium and spreading wood chips around the backyard playground.

Hey Mr Career Man, you want to keep lighting the world on fire?  Nooooo way, Jose.  You can cancel that noise unless your idea of a good parenthood is that neglectful dad from the Harry Chapin song.

Years ago, I would hear older co-workers rattle off cliches like, "I remember when I was your age, I had that same go-get-em spirit.  Now I just want a paycheck."  12 years later, I'm that deflated guy.  (Except I don't listen to Frank Zappa or wear denim shirts.)

The Good Ol' Days, AKA 2010

Now when we just had one kid, I could still get away with *some* of my shenanigans.  I was skateboarding, going to shows, even making some short films and music videos.  But two kids?  Absolutely f*cking not.  All that fun just went out the window.  On the off chance I can break away (or "get a pass" as us defeated dads say), I'm too frigging tired.  I can't make it through a single sketch on SNL without passing out on the couch.  You think I'm going to get in a car and drive to Stamford?  And unless I can justify the shoot with an invoice, there's no more fun music videos or short films.

Now for those of you about to type, "Don't worry, it gets better."  Shut up!  There are no happy endings here at The Enforcer.  Massage parlors or otherwise.

So you purveyors of fun,  please take me off your mailing lists.  Don't bother inviting me to the big party.  I can't make it to your CD release concert, unless it's by chance it's children's music.  I am officially a sellout.  At least for the next few years.

But LIVE, dammit!  Live and post on Facebook so that I can vicariously experience your Caribbean vacations, pet anecdotes, your placing in the martial arts competition and your pictures of oversized diner food.  If anyone wants me, I'll be in the back yard landscaping.  Or writing this drivel, since I can't leave the house.

For those of you who read this and said, "What terrible thoughts!"  C'mon, it's me, Scott.  What were you expecting, something heartwarming?  And if you're just some random person who dropped in and were offended…shove off.  We don't serve your kind here.

PS-I saw the movie Bridesmaids this weekend.  It was funny and highly recommended.

I Can't Believe The Price (You'd) Pay

I’m more aggravated than a liberal hipster who just heard someone mention the Monsanto Corporation over some overpriced bullshit.  What are we plagued with on the evening news?  A smattering of “in these trying times” and “ financial troubles from Wall Street to Main Street”.  Well, apparently someone has some disposable income, namely your average metalhead.


Get this:  I was watching an Agnostic Front video that someone linked on Facebook which had a banner ad running for a concert event known as “The Big 4” at Yankee Stadium.  Hmmmm…..  This concert features perennial heavy hitters Megadeth, Anthrax, Slayer and Metallica.  And no, you haven’t stumbled into a time machine and been transported to the year 1988. It’s 2011, but somehow these bands still have universal appeal.  Perhaps more so now than 20 years ago.

As for this promo poster, it's a fairly crappy layout.  You know what would have been cool?  If they got Pushead to draw up some rotting corpse in a ripped up baseball outfit. What we've got here is about as pedestrian as it gets.


Wait, where was I?  


Would I like to go to this concert?  Hell f’n yeah, I would!  So let's jump on tickemaster.com and see what the average ticket is going for.  First off, the “cheap”  $90 nosebleed tickets are long gone.  So I put a speculative request in for any available tickets.  You can see the screen shot below for the breakdown.

Ouch.  $239.60.  Plus I’m sure there would be a shit-ton of taxes and surcharges tacked on top of that, right????  Now maybe I'm out of touch with what a concert ticket should cost and maybe I'm just a fuddy-duddy (teeheeheehee)  Am I wrong, or is this just an INSANE amount to be spending on a bunch of retro heavy metal bands????


Slightly off topic, didja ever notice when you go to sporting events or concerts, the lowest common denominator always has WADS OF CASH?  Ever heard of a bank?  Apparently the week's entire paycheck is cashed out and in pocket so drunk dude can buy plenty of beer, hotdogs and any other snacks that vendors are hawking.  And $45 t-shirts.

So who’s getting rich off this Big $ Concert?  (I'll bet most of the loot is going straight to that Lars Ulrich.  What a dick he is!) These are insanely stupid-high prices to see some thrashin’.  And most of these tickets have been snapped up, I would assume at this time by the sleazy power wolf ticket brokers.  But they will find buyers.


Now if these tickets are in such demand (call me crazy here)  Don't you think MULTIPLE SHOWS wold be a good idea?  How 'bout wait until the Yanks are out of town for a few days (No, I'm not about to look up their schedule) and book like 4 or 5 nights in a row.  Perhaps that might bring down those ticket prices.

God God (Or should I say Good Satan?)  At least I got to see Slayer at Toad’s Place where the fans ripped down that stupid chain link divider between the bar area and the kid’s section.  Now that was some good fun at a reasonable price. 

As for this concert, I pray that Yankee Stadium gets annihilated by a bunch of drunken Hessians.  That’ll teach the Pinstripe Empire to be part of this outlandish mugging.  And at this point, it's probably just sour grapes, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and predict that no matter where you're sitting, the sound is gonna SUCK in the house that uncouth built.

BTW, I love the har-larious reader comments on brooklynvegan.com:

“More like the OLD four. Seeing old dudes play metal is hilarious, almost as funny as aging rappers.”
As much as this makes me chuckle, I must say those who choose to ignore (or make fun of) the past are doomed to play and listen to average, forgettable music.

Blind Eye Sees All

Since I don't have an original thought in my head this morning, I figure I would at least pass along a cool link.

This week I saw a cool story on this guy who is a blind movie critic! You can check out his website here.

He's a funny guy and as for his reviews….he can't be worse than Gene Shalit!  BTW, I miss this guy here:

Consumer Report: B&H Photo & Video

That's right. I'm a consumer and here's my report:

I'm madder than a highway patrolman on the opening night of Fast 5 over the latest bullsh*t saga of the week.

B&H, I love you, but tonight, I really hate you.

Quick backstory: I am in the market for a nice HD monitor for my editing system. I need a screen I can reference while I'm editing now that everything has gone high def. I guess the little JVC 9" monitor isn't cutting the mustard anymore. RIP, standard def.

I found a very nicely-priced Sony 40" with 120Hz frame rate on the B&H website around 3PM. The price was around $630, $650 tops. So I put it in my "cart". But then I got pulled away for a few hours. I got back on the computer shortly after 6PM to buy it.

Lo and behold, the price has now hiked itself up to $763. ????? Are you f-ing kidding me?

So I tried calling….no phone customer service after 6. Then I got in their online chat service. I wish I saved the transcription, but I'll give you the gist of it:

Me: I put this monitor in my cart at $630 and the price has jumped up to $763 in the span of two hours. WTF????

B&H Phone dude: That was a daily special. It's over now. Putting the item in your cart doesn't mean you get it at that price.

Me: I'm tired and can't think of any witty comebacks. You guys suck!

Well now, I didn't say that last part. But I have to point out at this time I have spent thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars at B&H. Both personally, and recommending purchases for the multi-million dollar corporations I've worked for. And I wasn't gonna get into that with the online customer service. I shouldn't have to.

In my perfect world, the correct answer would have been, "Yes, I can see you wanted to buy that TV earlier today. We will honor the price of $630. I'll help you ring up that order now."

Memo to B&H: If you put an item for sale at a certain price, friggin' honor that price, at least for a 24 hour period!

So now here is an online article to crummy up your reputation, complete with tags and all. All over 100 bucks and change. And I know from experience that B&H loses their marbles whenever someone talks ill of them on message boards. So in the future, be more like Walmart and "match that price". Especially since it's your own.

Off to Costco. They've got a monitor for about the same price. And hopefully less aggravation.

*Grumble* I'm still gonna need that Blackmagic HD Link Pro from you guys….. Dammit! B&H got the world by the balls.