Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Praise the Lard: A Special Report

So I just got back from vacation in the South. Not much happened. I did see Kathy Griffen in Savannah with my wife, sister and a bunch of gays and lesbians.  I was informed that I was one of four straight guys in the audience. She picked us out of the crowd by our baseball caps and ill-fitting clothing. I will gladly pay good money any night of the week to hear someone get on stage and talk sh*t about Oprah and her stupid finale.  Plus she took a dump on Travolta, Kelly Preston, Elizabeth Hasselback, Kirstie Alley and a ton of other celebs I can't stand.

Bravo, Kathy.

We're Not Here To Talk About Griffen

So let's move on to what this article is about: Chick-fil-A. That wonderful fast food chain that claims to have invented the chicken sandwich. Now in my mind, the restaurant has always had a "Southern" stigma. "Oh yeah, that's that place you see when you're down in South Carolina, right". But not so fast:  A check of their website and wikipedia reveals that they are now in 39 states! That's right, you've got 'em in Massachusetts, Jersey, New Hampshire, but WTF….no Connecticut!  Apparently, there's even on in New York City in of all places NYU???????  But that covert location is only open sometimes?  Anyone with info on that, please get back to me, thank you!  UPDATE  Actually, I found this quick review on Yelp.com:

"The Chick-fil-A on the NYU campus is a well guarded secret. I'm pretty sure that you're technically supposed to be a student to get in, but the 2 people sitting at desks at the door never seem to be carding so for now it's a non-issue."

?????  What?  I don't have time to get into this, nor do I even know where to start. Future article.  Let's just move on, shall we?

Back to my story:  I ate at Chick-fil-A like 3 or 4 times last week.  While I was out in the field doing (ahem) research, reporter Kat Von R was busy gathering data from the most reliable source on Earth: the internet. She found a few interesting tidbits.

Apparently, I'm not the only one concerned about why the restaurant won't set up shop in good ol' CT. Check out this mind blowing response from Chick-fil-A posted on a message board:

"There are currently no plans to develop a Chick-fil-A Restaurant in Connecticut. Each year, we receive literally hundreds of requests from customers regarding possible locations at or near which they would like to see a Chick-fil-A Restaurant. Although we appreciate our customers' input, our Chick-fil-A Restaurant new opening locations are determined internally through our own market research after thoughtful analysis."

Huh?  Whycome the hate for the Nutmeg State?  "Internally" leads me to believe this is some kind of "case closed" argument.   Is it a religious thing?  Do the Southern Christian religious types have something against the Puritanical leanings of us Connecticutters?  (Yes, it's a word now)  These guys crossed the Mason Dixon line to build new, so why omit Connecticut from the fun?

Is it a tax thing?  Is setting up a business in Connecticut too much of a hassle?  Hell, you can't buy alcohol on Sundays, I would think a restaurant that closes shop on the holy day would fit right in. I see rich people throwing money hand over fist at places like Burgers Shakes and Fries.  You don't think a Chick-fil-A in Greenwich or Darien wouldn't be epic?  It would be a license to print money.  At the very least, put one in the food court at the Stamford Town Center.  That place is a ghost town, right?

Uh Oh, Here We Go

One thing I want to touch lightly upon is the whole anti gay controversy surrounding Chick-fil-A.  Don't mention this restaurant around your lefty friends w/o expecting a firm "talking to":  "Oh Scott, you can't eat there.  We found out they don't support gay marriage."  So let's do a reality check here for a second:  The restaurant is owned and run by Southern Baptists.  Were you expecting them to embrace any kind of alternative lifestyle with open arms?  Hello?  Bing bong!

On that note, who was the Woodward & Burnstein that blew this case wide open?  Gee, religious chicken restaurant *may* have supported a marriage seminar with homophobic tendencies.  Didn't see that one coming.  Bombshell.

All I know is they make a great chicken sandwich, the price is right and they have great indoor playgrounds that my kid loves.  And the staff is nice to me and refills my lemonade.  Haters, keep your politics out of my fast food experience!  I have so little joy in my life. Just let me have this one thing.  Please?

No pun intended, but Chick-fil-A plays it pretty straight.  Kat and I had a laugh over the extremely simple chicken sandwich they present.  Two pickles and a bun, unless you ask otherwise.  I guess fancy fusion mayo would be blasphemous, right?  The waffle fries are as crazy as they get.

This is kind of off topic, but it drives me up the wall:  The founder of the company is named S. Truett Cathy.  I HATE HATE HATE when a person abbreviates his first name with just the initial.  What the hell is that about anyways?  How bout' either you use the name your mama gave you, or just drop it and go with the middle name you seem to like so much.  No stupid initial!  Another example would be M. Emmet Walsh, but he was great in Blade Runner and Fletch, so we'll let him off the hook.

There Is Another

Yes, as the subtitle emplies, there is another choice, a Princess Leia to Chick Fil A's Luke Skywalker:  Zaxby's.  A damn fine chicken establishment if I do say so myself.  And you will most certainly find me there on Sundays.  (Their sales must spike on the 7th day, I'd love to see some numbers.) The Zax Sauce may be laced with crack cocaine.  It's delicious and highly addictive.

Now Zaxby's, I can pretty much surmise, is found exclusively in Southern regions. But if we can't get the Fil A to head to CT, maybe someday Zaxby's would be willing to step in?  Do they have any political agendas that I need to know about?

In Closing

At the end of the day (or lunchtime!), I really don't care.  All I know is I love Chick-fil-A.   It just gives me something to look forward to when I am going back down South.  And more incentive to move out of this Godforsaken, taxed-to-sh*t state that I am growing to hate more and more each day.  You know, if they put a Chick-fil-A in CT, they'd probably find a way to screw it up anyways.  And of course it would be overpriced, which defeats the whole purpose.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm driving to Paramus, wherever the hell that is.


  1. This was great!! You took all that you learned in a week and turned it into a great report!
    I always see Zaxby's when I am down there but never ate at one. I also love going to kroger in my parent's golf cart (while it takes 2 hours to get there, it is worth the drive), I also just love being able to get beer and wine and the supermarket---I did manage to get some great blueberry beer there and a case of Dynamite wine (hate the name but a great wine) dirt cheap. Who said golf carts aren't for carting booze?

  2. Yeah, you should check out Zaxby's. I think we're both thinking of the same one.

    And yes, all hail the golf cart.