RECORD COLLECTION BLOWOUT SALE!!! STEP RIGHT UP!!!!!

There is change blowing in the air! A move could be afoot! I ain't lying. So, in order to make the moving van a wee bit lighter, I'm selling off what I would deem some non-essential records. Prices will be listed but kid you not, "$5" is just a gentle suggestion and feel free to email me your bids at f1frosch AT gmail blah blah

ALSO: before you question the odd choice of some of these turkeys, keep in mind in the years 2002-2003 I lived next to an eclectic record collector/seller who would give me tons of cool (and not so cool) releases he thought I'd like. He was an odd man but also a great man. As I recall, his name was Gary.

Good luck!!! Hoping to meet up in real life for these deals but we can discuss shipping and I will keep it cheap.

Records for sale

Beyond - No Longer at Ease $30

Big Country - The Crossing $15

Blast - Manic Ride repress $20

Boomtown Rats - Fine art of surfacing $5

Candlemass - The Door to Doom $25 (double record)

Cro-Mags - AOQ (record store day release) $25

False Gods - Neurotopia $10

Gustav Holst - the planets $5

Holy Fawn - Death spells $30

Lamb of God - As Palaces Burn (picture disc) $35

Neil Young - Rust never sleeps $10

Lou Reed - Live $5

Pushead - Cleanse the Bacteria comp $75

Prince - Controversy $5

Power Trip - Nightmare Logic $15

REO Speedwagon - Decade of Rock n Roll $5

Roxy Music - country life $10

Rolling Stones - some girls (cool cover) $10 

Rolling Stones -emotional rescue $10 w poster

Roxy Music - Siren $5

Roxy Music - flesh and blood $10

Roxy Music - best is yet to come (live bootleg) $20

Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise Dream live $25

Sade - Diamond Life $5

Rush - farewell to kings $5 (not great condition but whatevs)

Rush - Grace Under Pressure $5

Soundgarden - flower 10” $45

Spotlights - We Are All Atomic $15

Suzanne Vega - s/t $5

Tom Tom Club - Close to the Bone $5

Tamaryn - the waves $15

Warpaint - Radiate like this $15

Verbal Assault - On/Exit $25

Shall we start the bidding at........???

RIDGEFIELD IS RUINED: THE DEBRIEFING

There's defining moments in a person's existence. For me there was life before Sunday, November 24th, 2019 and life after that momentous day. For on the 24th, I received an email from the Managing Editor of the Ridgefield Press. He explained to me that an editorial I had written ended up in their spam folder and wanted to know if it was OK to run it in this week's edition. (To me, this was like Christmas Eve...but if you know me, that goes without saying.)

Wait! Let me back up. What was my magnum opus all about? Settle down, I shall explain: I am not an ardent reader of the Press, nor much of a fan of the town of Ridgefield (You'll be finding out why momentarily) One day in my Google alerts on my iPhone THIS ARTICLE written by a gal named Julie popped up and I had to read it. (Please take a quick beat to get the gist of it if you haven't done so already. That way I don't have to explain it on this blog) 

Not Julie, but my idea of what Julie might look like

Boy oh boy, I found countless items that I adamantly disagreed with. The letter rubbed me the wrong way, but I went about my daily business and forgot about it for the most part. UNTIL one day in early November when my ride home on the Danbury line of the Metro North train system broke down in Norwalk. 

Embarrassingly old-ass trains. 

I had time to kill. Precious time to write a rebuttal to one of the most moronic diatribes I had read in a long time. The Gods struck my brain with a bolt of creativity, and I fired off with both barrels. Long after the train had started moving again I was still writing...now I had moved from my phone to my laptop to wordsmith the damn thing.

What followed was THIS and it dropped on Wednesday, the 27th of November. Pulled from the spam folder to tickle your funny bone.

Now, I salute the Press for having the hutzpah to print my idiotic drivel. (I did NOT appreciate the fact that they went all Dick Tracy and looked up my actual name and street address) So in fairness to me, here is the ENTIRE letter to the editor as I had envisioned it:

To the editor,

I’m stuck on a Metro North train with a bit of time to kill so I thought I’d respond to Julie Schmidt’s somewhat delusional email about how “Ridgefield is Ruined”.  I’d like to state up front and for the record that I sorta can’t stand living in this town. It is my wife’s choice and dream to be here. Marriage is a game of compromise. Ridgefield is fine and dandy if you like organized sports, but guess what? I don’t like organized sports. I like surfing and eating tacos. Trust me, our house will be up for sale as soon as little Madison (name changed to protect the innocent) walks across that graduation stage (God willing)

Oh sorry, I’m getting off track…back to Julie’s letter! I’ll try and hit some of the key points I disagree with:

1. First off, Julie has only been here twenty years and she claims she’s a New Englander (“Our New England Charm”) She’s from LaLa Land. Not there’s anything wrong with that, but 1999 wasn’t that long ago to be claiming “Our New England charm”.  And nothing has changed drastically in 20 years. “Money has taken over”. When since the dawn of history has money not ruled everything? By the way, who the hell is Norman Rockwell?

2. “Our New England charm is demolished with every demolished home.”  I hate to break it to you, but time marches on: People can’t afford the upkeep on every slanty shanty from 1776. These things gotta be razed to make room for McMansions. It’s the American way!

3. “I for one enjoy trees”. Good God almighty, there is no shortage of trees in this stinking town (or state for that matter). Everywhere I look it’s trees, trees, trees. And take heed, you idiots, this is going out to the whole town: Cut those damn rampant trees & branches down in your yards!! Everyone acts all stupid when we have a major storm and the power goes kaput. If you all took responsibility with your property we’d have less road closures and power outages. Tree removal isn’t as sexy as a kitchen renno or a finished basement, but some of you all need to have a come to Jesus with yourself and take care of your yards!

Julie, you’re not off the hook yet: you ever have a tree fall on your house or car? Trust me, you won’t be loving trees so much after you have to go through the nightmare with your insurance provider.

 Same goes for the town, so listen up you fat cats: Trim all those branches that are close to the road and MUNICIPAL responsibility. Ohhhh the town has a 90k budget for tree work, that outta’ cover about one and a half streets. 

The same goes for open spaces, there’s plenty of that too. I’ve got a nature preserve in my backyard, I see about four people using it a year. 

4. “We have a Main Street that no longer brings in shoppers and strollers on Saturday afternoons.” Julie, are you high??? Or do I enter into some bizarre alternate dimension every Saturday and Sunday? The whole essence of Ridgefield revolves around bringing in out-of-towners on the weekends and we have them in plentitude. No shortage of traffic, that’s for sure.  And you say you don’t want traffic, but you are melancholy that people aren’t coming here to shop and stroll. Which is it?? Do you want congestion or not? You can’t have it both ways.

“I’m a lifelong Democrat but will be voting against every incumbent — Republican or Democrat. They are all responsible for the current state of our town.”  Can’t agree more…we cool! God love ya’, Julie!

BTW, who won the election? Instead of voting, I took my kids to Guitar Center to play with instruments. I thought it was a better use of my time. 

So even though after the fact I realized the letter should have been 300 words or less, the Press ran mostly the whole thing! Hats off, you newspaper people! I have bolded the minor sections that got clipped or altered.

REACTION: Well, this thing is still in its infancy, but suffice it to say, I pretty much became an overnight celebrity much like Cookie and Gerry Fleck when their Norwich Terrier won the big dog show. 

My sister texted me to say that the article was blowing up on Facebook. I was like, "Who did what now"? Sure enough, there were plenty of reactionary comments. And mostly in my corner! 

"Funny and clever response"

"i love...you"

"That is awesome, maybe my favorite letter ever in the Ridgefield Press"

Omg 😂😂😂😂 dead 💀 ☠️"
^ Does this mean she was dying laughing....or she laughed, stop laughing and now she wants ME dead? Like, "Ha hahaha. Now kill him". I can't figure these f-ing emojis out.

"I'll be happy to list your house when your daughter graduates"

"FINALLY some truth. Wake up and small the coffee overpriviledged people"

"The hero we all need"

"'Slanty shanty made my day"

(An animated GIF of Eddie Murphy clapping, most likely from the movie Raw")

"This guy wins Ridgefield today"

(Also a GIF of Jeff Spicoli, which I assume is supposed to be me and is f-ing hilarious.)


One man said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass". What a buzzkill...looked like the kind of guy who would have beat me up in high school. Geez. And this other guy really got offended by my crass attitude and foul language, but I'm sure his idea of funny is Steve Allen or Arthur Godfrey. I don't think he'll be running into me at the Senior Center and I won't be seeing him out in the surf lineup.

But for everyone who got a guffaw out of it, gave it a like or left a positive comment, I appreciate it! If you DIDN'T like it, come have a word with me when I'm eating tacos at Baja: I'm the guy with the mustache.

Well, I'm running out of stuff to say so I'll double down on my original sentiment: Cannot wait to GTF out of this town! But I'm hardly ever here so I got that going for me.

Oh Glorious Day...Getting Rid of Kid Crap!

Hello, hello.  It's high time to dust off this old blog.  A lot has happened since September 2011.  After many years in Norwalk, we said adios and pushed off even further into the suburbs.   We were not missed.  As for us, it's been less traffic and more chain restaurants.  Win-win in my book.  But overall, nothing much has changed:  I'm still wildly jealous of all the SSCCATAGAPPs who don't have to deal with the horrors of parenting.

I'm told we have a big election this year.  Things are getting pretty heated, if Facebook is a good thermometer of the situation at hand.  Some of you have been quite outspoken online with your political beliefs.  Just remember, no matter who wins, two years from now, you'll still be the same loser stuck in the same rut, doing the same things.  I guarantee it.

Oh where were we?  Yes, the kid crap.  After a few glasses of wine and PLENTY of ranting, my wife made the comment, "You should blog this stuff"!  From her mouth to God's ears.  Out of retirement, AKA, the answer to the question no one asked.

Today's topic: Getting rid of kid crap.
Now for those younger gents who haven't knocked up their wives or girlfriends yet, TAKE NOTICE.  This is a portent from someone who knows.  My biggest anxiety with being a father wasn't the actual notion of parenting.  It was the fear of all the kid clutter that could potentially be crummying up our home.  Just driving by a white trash residence with the cozy coupes in the driveway, or seeing a finished basement jam-packed with toys was enough to put the fear of God in me.  Oh hell no.  No way, not me, not ever.

Let me tell you:  My wildest nightmares could not rival the amount of baby junk and kid clutter that would pervade our house in years to come.  You see, kids are like grown-up versions of dolls for mothers.  This is their chance to buy them outfits and accessories as if they were living action figures.....mostly at a premium!  And on top of that, you cannot stop friends and relatives from gift-giving and pawning off hand-me-down shit that they can't wait to get out of their own homes.  Before you know it, things are out of control and your house has gone to pot.  With the proliferation of cheap Chinese plastic crap, it's a battle any red-blooded American male will have trouble winning.



Which brings me to our current status.  The glorious, glorious time when I can purge all this stuff that's in the rear-view mirror now.  (Our kids are currently 5 and 7)  Car seats, strollers, diaper genies, high chairs, safety bed bumpers (are you f-ing kidding me?  WHY would you buy this in the first place?  Let the kid fall out of bed...it'll toughen him/her up.)  Anything and everything, it all must go.  The real bummer is that Goodwill won't take most baby crap.  But to my delight, my wife informed me that a co-worker has a little one on the way so, Boom!....off these car seats go, and I get a little piece of my garage and my sanity back.  Don't worry, I used a leaf blower to blast out all the Gerber Puffs in the nooks and crannies.  And we cleaned up *most* of the kid puke on the seat covers.  (BTW, getting some more use out of these things is better than them sitting in a landfill, no?)

And while I'm bringing this article to a close, I'd like to simultaneously say God bless you and f**k off to those older folks that would say witty things like, "I don't miss those days", when they saw me bottle-feeding my kid or changing a diaper.  You smug dickheads....I can take consolation knowing your just a few years closer to death than I am.  (Oh, but I'll be the first one to say something like that next time I see an infant in a Baby Bjorn throw up on its parent!)

So that's it for today, I hope you've learned nothing.  Remember me as I work quietly in the background.  I'm the guy who discreetly rounds up the kids crap and donates it when no is home.  (Or just chucks it in the recycle bin if I'm feeling lazy).  Have I talked about the current state of kid birthday parties?  Next time on Serial....I mean, The Enforcer.

PS: It took me nearly five years to write a new article and this is the best I could do?  I'm in trouble!

Sucking In the 90's: Lithium

Is it possible the decade I refer to as the "horrible, horrible '90s" really wasn't that bad, musically? Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a huge fan of 80's music.  But let's face it.  Thanks to commercials, TV, film and well, every other related forms of pop culture, the 1980's have officially been rammed down our throats and rendered useless.  Yeah, '80s music sucks now.  Especially with terrible satellite radio stations that have a playlist as weak as coffee from Friendly's.  Which leads us into this week's rant….

So Howard Stern has been on vacation pretty much all summer, if not the entire year.  And I probably shouldn't be listening to him with two kids in the car anyways.  Whilst scanning the dial on Sirius Radio, I've recently come across a channel at one time I wouldn't dream of listening to: Lithium which bills itself as '90s Alternative/Grunge.  I consider myself a child of the eighties.  But the '90s is when I actually started going to a lot of arena-sized concerts.  Largely in part due to large-bill events like Lollapalooza, I realize I saw many of the bands perform that I hear on Lithium.  A lot of the songs I hear on the channel bring me back to Denver, Colorado where, evidentially, I spent a great deal of time in the '90s.  Yeah, all I need to hear is an Eve 6 song and I'm right back working in the mini lab at Robert Waxman with my good friend Adam.

When I hear an obscure '90s songs I feel like I'm one of the guys in the beginning of Reservoir Dogs in the diner.  "Hey I just heard 'Going the Distance' by Cake.  Where where they racing?  Did the guy ever go home?  Or how about that other song? "Why did the guy want to move to the country and eat peaches?"  The only difference is that I'm not sitting at a diner with a bunch of bank robbers.  I'm just having a conversation with the voices in my head.

One Hit Wonders: Holy Christ, I had forgotten how many One Hit Wonders the 90's produced.  Here's a few off the top of my head: Fun Lovin' Criminals, Cardigans, The Verve (or The Verve Pipe!), James, Edwin Collins, Spacehog, Nada Surf, Tracy Bonham, Tripping Daisy, K's Choice, dog's eye view, Fastball, Seven Mary Three, Vertical Horizon, Marcy Playground, Toadies, Presidents of the United States of America, New Radicals, Primitive Radio Gods, eels, Days of the New and Harvey Danger.  You remember all these bands, right?  Right?  What are they doing now?  Wait, don't answer that.  I don't care.

Does anyone remember this awesome song from a band called Geggy Tah?  I do.  Holy crap, the video has a little dog driving a car!  OK, the '90s didn't suck that bad.  Another great one hit wonder was "That Song" by Big Wreck.

OTOH, how about "Banditos" by the Refreshments?  Was that band not the biggest ripoff of Cracker?  Remember all the Nirvana clones like Oleander and that POS, Silverchair?  The record companies were losing their shit trying to find the next Kurt Cobain.

And what about all those bands that sounded exactly alike?  They were as follows:  Dishwalla, Better Than Ezra, Vertical Horizon, Tonic and Semisonic.  For all I know they were all exactly the same shitty-shitty band-band.

All I can say is listen to Lithium one day.  You will have at least one, "God damn, I totally forgot that song existed!" moment.  Trust me.

Did Anyone Survive?  In my opinion, there aren't a lot of "alternative" or "grunge" musical acts that "survived" the '90s.  Most bands if they are still together have been relegated to the state fair circuit or venues like Stamford's "Alive At 5".  Who is still relevant?  Weezer?  Radiohead?  Foo Fighters, definitely.  And Green Day, but I hate them.  I'm not counting any "reunion" bands like Jane's Addiction, Blink 182 or Soundgarden.  If you quit, you quit.  Assholes.

What's Good: All the Seattle grunge stuff is cool in my book.  Nirvana's Nevermind has never sounded better.  Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Screaming Trees.  I have some all-time favorites that I guess I took for granted at the time:  Verucca Salt, Garbage,  Local H,  Primus.  The Prodigy is cool as hell.  Did you ever see the unedited video for "Smack My Bitch Up"?  (You may have to sit through a crappy trailer for a Jenny McCarthy movie but it's worth it.  And definitely NSFW)  Tool is wonderful, then and now.  I even like some songs by Hole and Everclear definitely grew on me.

What Sucked Balls, Then & Now:  Stone Temple Pilots, Bush, Sugar Ray, Green Day, Offspring, 311, Blind Melon, Collective Soul, Pearl Jam's later material, the vocals of Anthony Keidis.  I have mixed feelings on the Smashing Pumpkins but lean mostly towards, "they suck" due to that awful, whiny Billy Corgan.

A closing thought:  Here we are in 2011.  So around the time I was in college and we were all having a good laugh, "Oh let's throw a 70's party" like a bunch of morons….Well the kids who are in college now, the early 90's would be like our 1970's.  Damn!  Where did the time go?  Am I making sense?  Are you thinking the same thing while you're mowing the lawn?  Or is it just me?

PS: I really f*cking hate Pearl Jam.  Except for a few songs from the first album.  They suck!

PPS: I realize this article was long, but I have an unhealthy obsession with music, especially forgotten music.  And I've suffered through your vacation photos and pics of your motorcycle on Facebook, so if you've made it this far we're even now!

PPPS:  Whyizzit on a Sirius radio when you lose reception, it says "acquiring signal"?  When in fact, that's the exact opposite of what's going on!  The radio isn't acquiring shit!  It should say "no signal".

My PIX11 @ 10 Top 10

As you may or may not know, I work freelance in the TV news arena.  Living in suburban Connecticut, I had always preferred to get my news from New York City.   Quite frankly, the Hartford and New Haven stations aren't relevant to me.  A Dunkin Donuts armed robbery in Prospect doesn't mean a rat's patootie when you live in lower Fairfield County.

My go-to station as a youngster was Channel 5 WNEW back in the days of John Roland. If you are old enough, you'll remember when they covered such hard-hitting (and scary!) stories such as the Son of Sam murders and that real-life Travis Bickle, Bernhard Goetz.  Then the station changed names and became FOX 5 WNYW as it remains today.  In my opinion, Fox 5 is the McDonald's of metropolitan news.  Channel 11 has always been close second, so we'll refer to it as Burger King.  But hold on: There's been some changes as of late. (Well, since last October, but pardon me all over the place….I'm slow!)

PIX 11 slightly tweaked their 10 o'clock show.  Slightly?  Well, they did a complete overhaul.  Have you seen it?  Do you like it?  Well, who cares what you think….I love it!  And you know what?  I'd also rather eat at Burger King!  That's right.  I was once a die hard Fox 5 fan, but I've jumped ship like you wouldn't believe.  And I've got sound reasoning to back up my decision.

This new format is absolutely a "love it or hate it" thing.  There is no in between, and that's not up for debate.  It's been bashed to high hell, being called everything from "assembly line newscasting" to "an iphone app".  Never one to flow with the critics, I have a different opinion.  And I've been taking notes.  So now, with no further ado, here's my top 10 reasons for watching the revolutionary new PIX11 at 10.

10.  The A Block, AKA The Pix 11 at 10:  Yes, they use trade terminology talking about rundowns and blocks.  Why not just tell the audience about thumbsuckers and evergreens?  I'll let that slide.  Moving on, I like the little story preview icons that run on the bottom of the screen.  Not that I need to know what the next 5 stories are going to be, but it's kind of cool.  I like their green screen setup.  I like the whole walking through the studio.  Like, like, like.

9.  The Editorializing:  I'm taking this show with a grain of salt and loving every minute of it.  Once the, ahem, "hard" news is out of the way, it's off to the races.  Who's the guy who stands in front of the stone wall and does his spiel?  Well, I like the After Effects graphics on the building.  Clever.  Greg Mocker does a good job as well.  People gotta be cringing when the PIX11 News Team shows up at their door.

8. They Stand Up For The Little Guy:  All the consumer affairs segments they do, as well as segments like "Ugliest House Contest".  I approve.  Sure, they're trashy, but by all accounts, living in the metropolitan area can be a real miserable experience.  I'm glad these guys are blowing the whistle on scumbag landlords, swindling contractors and shifty politicians.  I like the consumer advocate who wears the pith helmet.  Where is he going?  On a safari?  You want to be memorable on screen?  Get a signature hat, problem solved.

7.  Monica Morales: She has a nice voice.

6. Mr. G's Weather: Well, I'm not a *huge* fan, but he seems like a pleasant enough man and you gotta know what the forecast is for tomorrow, right?


5. They Moved Kaity Tong Out Of The Studio And Put Her On Some Island: N/T

4. The Lincoln Strictly Business Report: And that it is.  Stocks and a few quick biz stories.  And I like that music bed they occasionally use.  No, not that one.  The other one.  You know I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that the PIX 11 10 o'clock graphics are very minimalist, but it all works well.  No lightning bolts or crazy-ass chrome lettering.  Lots of black screen, but like Thelonious Monk said, it's not the notes you play, it's the notes you DON'T play.

3. They Only Do One Minute of Sports:  Thank God.  Not that I have anything against big league competitive games, but if I want the scores, I'll watch ESPN.

2. Lionel:  He's radical, he's subversive.  I love his rants.  Not something you'd see in your typical newscast.  Maybe because most typical NY newscasts are focused on the score of the Yankee's game and 4 weather hits.  This isn't your typical crybaby liberal stuff like, "Oh, Michele Bachman doesn't know about the Revolutionary War.  Look at me, I'm so smug."  No, what Lionel is doing is subtlety working his viewers into a lather that may end in a coup d'état.  In a very non-polarized manner, I might add.  At the very least, he's getting people to think about their government.

I just get the feeling they're gonna take ol' Lionel away in the middle of the night, OR he's going to incite this country into revolution.  Until then, whichever comes first, I'm tuned in.  BTW, this guy knows how to write a tease.  Producers, if you want your audience to stick around, take a cue from Lionel.

1. Jodi:  The News Vixen of the Tri-State area, Jodi Applegate is what makes this whole thing worth watching.  I used to enjoy her when she was on "Come On, Wake Up New York" on Fox 5.  I'd love to know why she left.  Then she was at News 12 Long Island, but now she's back in the Big City.  Did you ever see that thing on Youtube where those two losers tried to punk her by cutting a bike chain?  And they had the fake blood?  And she totally lost it?  "We'll be right back after this.  That was not cool, dude."  Well, back to present day, she makes it look easy. Big fan.

So that's it.  Now to the staff of PIX 11, should you stumble across this article, do the right thing: Hire me as a producer!  I can start tomorrow.

The rest of you?  If you haven't seen the show, tune in tonight!  And comment as you see fit.

PS-Another reason that PIX is my new Fox 5…..they got Seinfeld at 11!  That's right, and it's in glorious HD.  Make the switch!

Ooooh, A Celebrity Died…Let's Facebook It!

In an effort to the the first to report, I may have screwed up a few of the facts.

I'm breaking in here with a special report.  This blog presents itself as a (satirical) guide to Fairfield County, but lately it's more of a disgusting dissection of Facebook.  We all know that we can break avid Facebookers down into little categories.  Let's talk about a certain faction today:

We all have those morbid "friends" who are first to post up on the Social Network when a celebrity leaves this mortal coil.  It must be some kind of euphoric rush for them to be the "first" to let the rest of us know the news.  I don't think they want to engage in any kind of deep discussion behind the demise of Macho Man Randy Savage, Jeff Conaway or Clarence Clemons.  It's more about getting the information out to their people and being the first to do so.  These computerized Kevorkians (I know, he just died too!) are junking up my news feed with information I've already got.

Not dead

Case & point: A few months ago, Poly Styrene from the punk band X Ray Specs passed away.  Sad news for fans, friends and family.  But WTF….why were so many of my Facebook friends posting up the obit link?  You cannot tell me that that many people were actively listening to "Germ Free Adolescents", were they?  You were?  Well OK, fair enough.

Can you imagine how apeshit-crazy Facebook is going to be if Ian McKaye or Henry Rollins ever bite the big one?

Bottom line is, I think there's a bunch of people who want to play news reporter-slash-grim reaper.  Not necessary.  Here's a newsflash:  We're all familiar with the *rest* of the Internet besides Facebook.  Believe you me, I've seen it already.  There are plenty of news sites that I heard it from before you posted it on Facebook.

My mandate:  If you feel compelled to post an obit to Facebook, I want you to include a two page essay on why the celebrity death means so much to you.  Otherwise, just keep posting pictures of your cat.

Now on the other hand, when Earnest Thomas passes away, you have my full permission to discuss it all over the Internet.  He's still alive right?  Has anyone heard from him lately?

The Terrible Truths of the Wedding Videographer

Summer is here and for me, that means one thing: Wedding season.  But unlike Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, I’m not on a mission to party up and bang bridesmaids.  My objective is to make some coin.  Sadly, the whole thing can be a soul-crushing experience.

Now don’t get me wrong.  For the most part, I love the career path I chose.  Working in (for lack of a better term) video production, I’m involved with a variety of wonderful projects: filming models, food shoots, luxury yachts.  But like most anything, you have to take the good with the bad.  Let’s talk about the bad: Weddings.

A still from my first gig

How did I ever get my self into this racket?  It’s draining work, both physically, mentally and spiritually.  If you know me, I pretty much hate everything unless it involves skateboarding, playing the drums or skateboarding while playing the drums.  Weddings?  You know damn well I don’t want to attend them, OK, now I’m going to them as a form of income? I’m already off on the wrong foot.  But why?  Answer: money. The sweet, sweet money.  I have bills to pay and a family to support.  If I could get by on shooting music videos for the Boardlords, I would.  Sadly, that is not the case.

The Big Day:  What we’re dealing with here is a service industry of many individuals working together to make the bride, groom and their parents happy.   Wedding planners, florists, DJ’s, photographers, wait staff and so on.  It’s long, hot days where you’ll be working as the “hired help”.  Generally I find you’ll be in the trenches with folks who have been doing this a long time.  They are jaded, negative, burnt out and it generally makes my day all the more miserable.

So I’ve put together a set of “terrible truths” for the aspiring wedding videographer.   You really sure you want to get into this line of work?  Well read on, or bail out now.  

1. Hurry Up and Wait: The bridal prep will always start early and the reception will always run late.  If they tell you to be there at 2, the bride will no doubt already be in her gown ready to go.  Ooops.  As for the reception, it’s a party.  People are drunk and they want to booze the night away.  If you’re supposed to be there until “the end”, brace yourself for tedium. The thing you have to realize is you are there to work.  As everyone gets progressively shitfaced, you will remain sober.  And bored. Over the course of 7 or 10 or 13 hours.  Those Excel spreadsheets the wedding planners put together?  Forget it.  Everything is  always running waaaaaayyyyyyy behind schedule due to one factor or another.

2. Wedding photographers:  They are your mortal enemy.  In theory, you should be working as a team, but it always seems like it’s some damn competition to them.  “Oh look, I did a better job than the video guy.  I win!”  With the exception of some very cool individuals (you know who you are) most wedding photographers I work with are dickheads.  They’re either totally pretentious or more lost in space than the Family Robinson. 

The scenario plays out the same every time:  It’s always like two girls from the City, they think I’m a jerkoff, they treat me like a second rate citizen and we get in each other’s way the whole day and night.  They're always smug and miserable.  Of course they're miserable, they're wedding photographers, for Christ's sake.  (Leave your messages of love in the "comments" section below) 


I remember this one British photographer dude was so full of himself and his “craft”.  Talking down to me like,  “I see you there with your tripod, that’s making me nervous.  I like to work loose and free, you’re just going to get in my way.”  OK, you arrogant twat.  Why don’t you stick your head up a dead bear’s asshole?  Lucky for him, I never remembered his name; otherwise I would have besmirched his reputation all over the Internet under the guise of "disgruntled brides".

3. I Corinthians 13:1-13: If it’s a Christian ceremony, someone WILL read this at the podium.  Let's come up with something new, people.

4. The Cocktail Hour: Sometimes you’ll be requested to get footage from the cocktail hour.  From my experience, people do not like to be filmed at this time.  You might as well poke them with dog doo-doo on a stick.  Now on the other hand, wait till the reception starts and they’re on the dance floor, totally loaded.  Then they’ll be camera-happy like you wouldn’t believe.

5. Lighting:  You know, every year the cameras that come out are getting better for low light situations.  But God-dammit, it also seems like every year the reception halls keep getting DARKER and DARKER!  You gotta give me something to work with…someone turn on a light!  And f*ck these kitschy weddings in a barn out in the middle of nowhere. It might as well be 1834, I can't see or film anything!

"But that's enough about me."

6. The toasts: Oh God, let them be quick.  Bless the dude who keeps his best man’s speech under 90 seconds.  Unfortunately, this is usually their "time to shine" with bad jokes, inside jokes, racist jokes (kidding) and long-winded stories.  Thankfully tape is cheap.  I found this great advice on a "wedding toast" website, "Begin, be brief, and be seated."  Also at this time I'd like to mention I cannot stand any "reunions" at weddings, like the college acapella group The Tone Arrangers or Whiffenpoofs or whatever else is going to force me to stay in the same area filming for a long period of time.

7.  The food:  I’m talking about what you eat, not the guests.  I’ve experienced it all: The dizzying highs and disgusting lows.  I’ve been treated like one of the guests where I was served a 3 course meal & wine when I wasn’t shooting.  I’ve also been sequestered to the pantry where I was served a roast beef sandwich.  If you are hiring a videographer, have some class.  It goes a long way.  

"Please remove our picture
from your stupid blog"

8. The wedding band:  Oh boy, where do we start?  Did you ever notice that every race, creed and color is represented in the wedding band?  It’s like a United Nations of assholes.  They folks are steeped in their own little subculture.  They don’t want to know you and you don’t want to know them.  But what the wedding band does know is all the best reception halls and wedding factories for getting fed.  And they won’t hesitate to talk about how they got a fine cut of Chateaubriand at last week's gig.  


BTW, with all the soundchecks and preparation, you’d think Bon Jovi himself was going to drop in to sing “Living On A Prayer”.  Dude, just plug in and play your Earth, Wind and Fire cover.  Get over yourselves.

9. The DJ: Unlike the band, the DJ’s are usually cool.  I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.  My advice is be nice to them.  They run the show and can tell you when all the key events are happening.  (Unlike the wedding planner-don’t ask her anything!)

10. The Song: This next one depresses me so much, I don’t know why: From here on out, you will absolutely, positively hear the song "I've Got a Feeling Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night" at every reception you go to. Just know that going in.  It breaks my spirit every time I hear it.  When I have to film people dancing to Black Eyed Peas, I think I know what a prostitute feels like.  OK, it's not that bad.  But it's pretty bad.  

11. Other Notable Songs: You will hear “All the Single Ladies” if the bride throws the bouquet.  You will hear “How Sweet It Is” if the couple cuts the wedding cake.  Or “When I’m 64”.  Or possibly “Your Love Is Sweeter Than Chocolate” if the couple is more sensitive and artsy-fartsy.

"Is that a 5D?  Sweet!"

I could go on and on and on.  Yes, it’s the dictionary definition of a thankless job.  

So this summer when you’re home relaxing with your family on a Saturday night watching Amercia’s Most Wanted, remember me:  I’m the guy who's out videotaping drunk people dancing to Loveshack.

PS- If you work in the wedding industry and happened to stumble upon this blog, I have some humble advice for you:  Try and be nice to your fellow vendors.  It’s a long day and we’re all just trying to get through it.  Or you can just keep being a douchebag.  I’m taking notes, and maybe someday your crappy attitude will be fodder for my yet-to-be-released book.  Or movie!