RIDGEFIELD IS RUINED: THE DEBRIEFING

There's defining moments in a person's existence. For me there was life before Sunday, November 24th, 2019 and life after that momentous day. For on the 24th, I received an email from the Managing Editor of the Ridgefield Press. He explained to me that an editorial I had written ended up in their spam folder and wanted to know if it was OK to run it in this week's edition. (To me, this was like Christmas Eve...but if you know me, that goes without saying.)

Wait! Let me back up. What was my magnum opus all about? Settle down, I shall explain: I am not an ardent reader of the Press, nor much of a fan of the town of Ridgefield (You'll be finding out why momentarily) One day in my Google alerts on my iPhone THIS ARTICLE written by a gal named Julie popped up and I had to read it. (Please take a quick beat to get the gist of it if you haven't done so already. That way I don't have to explain it on this blog) 

Not Julie, but my idea of what Julie might look like

Boy oh boy, I found countless items that I adamantly disagreed with. The letter rubbed me the wrong way, but I went about my daily business and forgot about it for the most part. UNTIL one day in early November when my ride home on the Danbury line of the Metro North train system broke down in Norwalk. 

Embarrassingly old-ass trains. 

I had time to kill. Precious time to write a rebuttal to one of the most moronic diatribes I had read in a long time. The Gods struck my brain with a bolt of creativity, and I fired off with both barrels. Long after the train had started moving again I was still writing...now I had moved from my phone to my laptop to wordsmith the damn thing.

What followed was THIS and it dropped on Wednesday, the 27th of November. Pulled from the spam folder to tickle your funny bone.

Now, I salute the Press for having the hutzpah to print my idiotic drivel. (I did NOT appreciate the fact that they went all Dick Tracy and looked up my actual name and street address) So in fairness to me, here is the ENTIRE letter to the editor as I had envisioned it:

To the editor,

I’m stuck on a Metro North train with a bit of time to kill so I thought I’d respond to Julie Schmidt’s somewhat delusional email about how “Ridgefield is Ruined”.  I’d like to state up front and for the record that I sorta can’t stand living in this town. It is my wife’s choice and dream to be here. Marriage is a game of compromise. Ridgefield is fine and dandy if you like organized sports, but guess what? I don’t like organized sports. I like surfing and eating tacos. Trust me, our house will be up for sale as soon as little Madison (name changed to protect the innocent) walks across that graduation stage (God willing)

Oh sorry, I’m getting off track…back to Julie’s letter! I’ll try and hit some of the key points I disagree with:

1. First off, Julie has only been here twenty years and she claims she’s a New Englander (“Our New England Charm”) She’s from LaLa Land. Not there’s anything wrong with that, but 1999 wasn’t that long ago to be claiming “Our New England charm”.  And nothing has changed drastically in 20 years. “Money has taken over”. When since the dawn of history has money not ruled everything? By the way, who the hell is Norman Rockwell?

2. “Our New England charm is demolished with every demolished home.”  I hate to break it to you, but time marches on: People can’t afford the upkeep on every slanty shanty from 1776. These things gotta be razed to make room for McMansions. It’s the American way!

3. “I for one enjoy trees”. Good God almighty, there is no shortage of trees in this stinking town (or state for that matter). Everywhere I look it’s trees, trees, trees. And take heed, you idiots, this is going out to the whole town: Cut those damn rampant trees & branches down in your yards!! Everyone acts all stupid when we have a major storm and the power goes kaput. If you all took responsibility with your property we’d have less road closures and power outages. Tree removal isn’t as sexy as a kitchen renno or a finished basement, but some of you all need to have a come to Jesus with yourself and take care of your yards!

Julie, you’re not off the hook yet: you ever have a tree fall on your house or car? Trust me, you won’t be loving trees so much after you have to go through the nightmare with your insurance provider.

 Same goes for the town, so listen up you fat cats: Trim all those branches that are close to the road and MUNICIPAL responsibility. Ohhhh the town has a 90k budget for tree work, that outta’ cover about one and a half streets. 

The same goes for open spaces, there’s plenty of that too. I’ve got a nature preserve in my backyard, I see about four people using it a year. 

4. “We have a Main Street that no longer brings in shoppers and strollers on Saturday afternoons.” Julie, are you high??? Or do I enter into some bizarre alternate dimension every Saturday and Sunday? The whole essence of Ridgefield revolves around bringing in out-of-towners on the weekends and we have them in plentitude. No shortage of traffic, that’s for sure.  And you say you don’t want traffic, but you are melancholy that people aren’t coming here to shop and stroll. Which is it?? Do you want congestion or not? You can’t have it both ways.

“I’m a lifelong Democrat but will be voting against every incumbent — Republican or Democrat. They are all responsible for the current state of our town.”  Can’t agree more…we cool! God love ya’, Julie!

BTW, who won the election? Instead of voting, I took my kids to Guitar Center to play with instruments. I thought it was a better use of my time. 

So even though after the fact I realized the letter should have been 300 words or less, the Press ran mostly the whole thing! Hats off, you newspaper people! I have bolded the minor sections that got clipped or altered.

REACTION: Well, this thing is still in its infancy, but suffice it to say, I pretty much became an overnight celebrity much like Cookie and Gerry Fleck when their Norwich Terrier won the big dog show. 

My sister texted me to say that the article was blowing up on Facebook. I was like, "Who did what now"? Sure enough, there were plenty of reactionary comments. And mostly in my corner! 

"Funny and clever response"

"i love...you"

"That is awesome, maybe my favorite letter ever in the Ridgefield Press"

Omg 😂😂😂😂 dead 💀 ☠️"
^ Does this mean she was dying laughing....or she laughed, stop laughing and now she wants ME dead? Like, "Ha hahaha. Now kill him". I can't figure these f-ing emojis out.

"I'll be happy to list your house when your daughter graduates"

"FINALLY some truth. Wake up and small the coffee overpriviledged people"

"The hero we all need"

"'Slanty shanty made my day"

(An animated GIF of Eddie Murphy clapping, most likely from the movie Raw")

"This guy wins Ridgefield today"

(Also a GIF of Jeff Spicoli, which I assume is supposed to be me and is f-ing hilarious.)


One man said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass". What a buzzkill...looked like the kind of guy who would have beat me up in high school. Geez. And this other guy really got offended by my crass attitude and foul language, but I'm sure his idea of funny is Steve Allen or Arthur Godfrey. I don't think he'll be running into me at the Senior Center and I won't be seeing him out in the surf lineup.

But for everyone who got a guffaw out of it, gave it a like or left a positive comment, I appreciate it! If you DIDN'T like it, come have a word with me when I'm eating tacos at Baja: I'm the guy with the mustache.

Well, I'm running out of stuff to say so I'll double down on my original sentiment: Cannot wait to GTF out of this town! But I'm hardly ever here so I got that going for me.

Praise the Lard: Bonus Breasts

I've uncovered more information about Chick-fil-A.  Rather than edit it in to the existing article, I'm just going to create a new, much shorter post.

Check this out: On the subject of Chick-fil-A and Connecticut, did you know that the co-administrator of the restaurant's Facebook fan page is a Connecticut resident?  Are you f-ing kidding me?  The page has 4,192,650 fans at press time.  (Actually make that 4,192,651…..I just signed up)  Read the AdWeek article here if you don't believe me.

It's amazing.  They were going to try and claim the site from Brandy Bitzer, but decided she was such a rabid fan that they would share administrative duties with her instead.  So let me get this straight: The site admin is from Connecticut, but we can't have a restaurant here?  That blows my mind.  Bitzer, you got any pull?  Let's get a Chick-fil-A up in this piece!  Don't make me sic the Enforcer Army on you.

Shot stolen from some wedding photographer

One girl who is apparently a Connecticut wedding photographer came up with a convoluted way to transport a Chick-fil-A sandwich from New Jersey back to the Nutmeg State for her boyfriend.  Read her story here.  A for effort, but I'd probably just end up eating everything in the parking lot.  The boyfriend should put down the Playstation and get his own food, right?

Enough talk.  At this point, I have one foot out the door on a mission to Paramus.  It's delicious, bitch!

Praise the Lard: A Special Report

So I just got back from vacation in the South. Not much happened. I did see Kathy Griffen in Savannah with my wife, sister and a bunch of gays and lesbians.  I was informed that I was one of four straight guys in the audience. She picked us out of the crowd by our baseball caps and ill-fitting clothing. I will gladly pay good money any night of the week to hear someone get on stage and talk sh*t about Oprah and her stupid finale.  Plus she took a dump on Travolta, Kelly Preston, Elizabeth Hasselback, Kirstie Alley and a ton of other celebs I can't stand.

Bravo, Kathy.

We're Not Here To Talk About Griffen

So let's move on to what this article is about: Chick-fil-A. That wonderful fast food chain that claims to have invented the chicken sandwich. Now in my mind, the restaurant has always had a "Southern" stigma. "Oh yeah, that's that place you see when you're down in South Carolina, right". But not so fast:  A check of their website and wikipedia reveals that they are now in 39 states! That's right, you've got 'em in Massachusetts, Jersey, New Hampshire, but WTF….no Connecticut!  Apparently, there's even on in New York City in of all places NYU???????  But that covert location is only open sometimes?  Anyone with info on that, please get back to me, thank you!  UPDATE  Actually, I found this quick review on Yelp.com:

"The Chick-fil-A on the NYU campus is a well guarded secret. I'm pretty sure that you're technically supposed to be a student to get in, but the 2 people sitting at desks at the door never seem to be carding so for now it's a non-issue."


?????  What?  I don't have time to get into this, nor do I even know where to start. Future article.  Let's just move on, shall we?

Back to my story:  I ate at Chick-fil-A like 3 or 4 times last week.  While I was out in the field doing (ahem) research, reporter Kat Von R was busy gathering data from the most reliable source on Earth: the internet. She found a few interesting tidbits.

Apparently, I'm not the only one concerned about why the restaurant won't set up shop in good ol' CT. Check out this mind blowing response from Chick-fil-A posted on a message board:


"There are currently no plans to develop a Chick-fil-A Restaurant in Connecticut. Each year, we receive literally hundreds of requests from customers regarding possible locations at or near which they would like to see a Chick-fil-A Restaurant. Although we appreciate our customers' input, our Chick-fil-A Restaurant new opening locations are determined internally through our own market research after thoughtful analysis."


Huh?  Whycome the hate for the Nutmeg State?  "Internally" leads me to believe this is some kind of "case closed" argument.   Is it a religious thing?  Do the Southern Christian religious types have something against the Puritanical leanings of us Connecticutters?  (Yes, it's a word now)  These guys crossed the Mason Dixon line to build new, so why omit Connecticut from the fun?

Is it a tax thing?  Is setting up a business in Connecticut too much of a hassle?  Hell, you can't buy alcohol on Sundays, I would think a restaurant that closes shop on the holy day would fit right in. I see rich people throwing money hand over fist at places like Burgers Shakes and Fries.  You don't think a Chick-fil-A in Greenwich or Darien wouldn't be epic?  It would be a license to print money.  At the very least, put one in the food court at the Stamford Town Center.  That place is a ghost town, right?

Uh Oh, Here We Go

One thing I want to touch lightly upon is the whole anti gay controversy surrounding Chick-fil-A.  Don't mention this restaurant around your lefty friends w/o expecting a firm "talking to":  "Oh Scott, you can't eat there.  We found out they don't support gay marriage."  So let's do a reality check here for a second:  The restaurant is owned and run by Southern Baptists.  Were you expecting them to embrace any kind of alternative lifestyle with open arms?  Hello?  Bing bong!

On that note, who was the Woodward & Burnstein that blew this case wide open?  Gee, religious chicken restaurant *may* have supported a marriage seminar with homophobic tendencies.  Didn't see that one coming.  Bombshell.

All I know is they make a great chicken sandwich, the price is right and they have great indoor playgrounds that my kid loves.  And the staff is nice to me and refills my lemonade.  Haters, keep your politics out of my fast food experience!  I have so little joy in my life. Just let me have this one thing.  Please?

No pun intended, but Chick-fil-A plays it pretty straight.  Kat and I had a laugh over the extremely simple chicken sandwich they present.  Two pickles and a bun, unless you ask otherwise.  I guess fancy fusion mayo would be blasphemous, right?  The waffle fries are as crazy as they get.

This is kind of off topic, but it drives me up the wall:  The founder of the company is named S. Truett Cathy.  I HATE HATE HATE when a person abbreviates his first name with just the initial.  What the hell is that about anyways?  How bout' either you use the name your mama gave you, or just drop it and go with the middle name you seem to like so much.  No stupid initial!  Another example would be M. Emmet Walsh, but he was great in Blade Runner and Fletch, so we'll let him off the hook.

There Is Another

Yes, as the subtitle emplies, there is another choice, a Princess Leia to Chick Fil A's Luke Skywalker:  Zaxby's.  A damn fine chicken establishment if I do say so myself.  And you will most certainly find me there on Sundays.  (Their sales must spike on the 7th day, I'd love to see some numbers.) The Zax Sauce may be laced with crack cocaine.  It's delicious and highly addictive.

Now Zaxby's, I can pretty much surmise, is found exclusively in Southern regions. But if we can't get the Fil A to head to CT, maybe someday Zaxby's would be willing to step in?  Do they have any political agendas that I need to know about?

In Closing

At the end of the day (or lunchtime!), I really don't care.  All I know is I love Chick-fil-A.   It just gives me something to look forward to when I am going back down South.  And more incentive to move out of this Godforsaken, taxed-to-sh*t state that I am growing to hate more and more each day.  You know, if they put a Chick-fil-A in CT, they'd probably find a way to screw it up anyways.  And of course it would be overpriced, which defeats the whole purpose.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm driving to Paramus, wherever the hell that is.